yearzerowriters

AT THE BACK OF THE OSCARS [With Tomomi Leung]

In Tomomi Leung on March 11, 2010 at 1:40 pm

Tomomi 

Dude, it’s me, Tomomi, at the oscars.

Yeah, I did get in…I know Oli had his doubts about that, but I’m more capable than he thinks, y’know? Like, if they stop me at the door, I’ve always got a few lines up my sleeve to throw them off…and actually, they did stop me, and I had to think pretty fast, so I said I was Rinko Kikuchi, and, Holy shit, it worked…I mean, I’ll be straight up, I don’t look a thing like little Rinko, but I guess because we’re both Japanese I could get away with it…y’know, there’s only really one Japanese actress allowed in Hollywood at any one time…the rest of us have to line up at the sign and wait for Rinko to fuck up, which she seems to be doing her best at…playing a mute in a director’s second film? I mean, what the fuck? But anyway, right now, she’s the Japanese name on the list, and she clearly wasn’t turning up for Oscar this year, so there I was, pseudo-Rinko, sitting somewhere a little near the back but not too far from the front where the Streeps and Camerons lie…

So who was I next to? Well, here’s the surprise…another Asian actress! But not anyone modern, no, someone from the 90’s…or from 1990, really…she only did one film of worth and then slipped and fell into TV work…yeah, dude, I’m talking about Tia Carrere! And here’s another surprise, she was actually quite nice to me…I mean, sure, she thought I was Rinko Kikuchi, and if we dipped inside her head we’d probably see a little scheming Tia Carrere thinking of ways to use me to get back in the big time, or the semi-big time, but, y’know, I’m gonna give her some benefit of my doubt…because she was an angel to me; showing me the whole process, the faces in the crowd, going to get drinks from the bar, which was quite far from the seats actually…about a ten minute walk…yeah, I went with Tia the first time and a few times after…not that I was drinking that much, it’s just the quantity they were pouring out was tiny…I mean, it was like someone was spitting alcohol in the glass, fucking miniscule, dude…so that’s why I was back and forth and so was Tia…and like I said, we had a great time watching the show together…and she opened up a little too, which was new to me…I probably shouldn’t write out what she said…this is going on the website, so Oli says, and not in the print mag, so maybe more people will drift onto it, but, fuck it, there’s a thousand websites out there all writing out this shit so what are the chances anyone’s gonna get stuck on mine? It’s not like I’m a trained film critic or anything….shit, dude, I don’t even know how to write properly, not really…never went to writing school, never went to acting school either…I probably shouldn’t say that, it’s on my resume that I went to that Strasberg guy in New York, but, fuck it, who’s reading? As long as Strasberg isn’t, I’m safe…

So what did Tia tell me? Well, it’s sleazy stuff, and I do feel kinda bad spilling it like this, but it’s not like she’s got anything to risk, is it? And dude, this could even give her a lift, who knows? So, yeah, Tia did some dodgy shit back in the early 90’s…she told me as we were sitting there, watching Alec Baldwin trying to keep himself together and up to speed with Steve Martin, who got the best lines, and…okay, a quick side note, do people actually like Baldwin? I know he does 30 Rock, but has everyone forgotten he used to beat Kim Basinger? That was true, right? I think I read about it somewhere, but I’m not sure if there were genuine sources behind it or if it was just that ‘a close friend said…’ shit…but anyway, I do know he was an asshole on ‘The Edge’…even made Ant Hopkins roll his eyes and walk out a few times…and that’s an achievement, trust me…I’ve been on set with Ant…well, briefly…he was the lead, I was the tits, but we still shared screen time and space…and he would put up with almost anything and not do anything…seriously, he was so laidback I thought he was retarded at first and just didn’t know what was going on, but then I realised, or one of the grips told me, ‘he’s not retarded, he just really likes the money’…yeah, the money, I forgot how much they give him…really, he gets a lot, that’s why he’s always in these shitty, average films, or doing something small in one of the blockies…which on another side note is kinda dumb really, as, y’know, who gives a shit if he’s narrating and not some nobody hack? I mean, I don’t give a shit if it’s him or not…’Before there was time, a warrior was born’ sounds pretty shitty no matter which mouth it’s coming out of…

 Hopkins

Wow, that was a long sidenote…I probably shouldn’t have gone on so long…and I should’ve left Hopkins alone, but y’know, everyone in this town is linked and once you talk about one you talk about the other…but going back to…to Tia? Yeah, Tia Carrere…did you know she fucked Mike Myers and Dana Carvey? Yup, it happened. Not at the same time, but within about ten minutes of each other apparently…yeah, Myers went first, taking her into his trailer and…y’ know, fucking her…and then when he was done, Carvey comes in, says hi, and sits down on the couch and kinda waits until Myers is dressed and gone…and then he gets up, takes his shirt off, and jumps on her…I don’t know, it sounded a little close to rape to me, but Tia said she adapted quickly and just went with it…I guess she knew the truth of things…y’know, objections get you obscurity, so…yeah…and, actually, that’s not the end of it, so she said…she was in that Arnie film a few years later, the one Cameron did, and not only did she have to fuck Arnie, she had to fuck Tom Arnold, Bill Paxton, the producer, the friend of the producer and Cameron… and she was even taken into Jamie Lee Curtis’ trailer and offered to her…kinda crazy if you ask me, but she got the job done…not sure if I could fuck Tom Arnold myself, but I guess it’s only a few minutes of your life so, y’know, eyes shut, dream the bigger dream, all that kind of shit…and, another thing, she told me she had to fuck a couple of the terrorists too…yeah, a couple of the ones who had speaking parts were complaining about equal rights and racial discrimination, so Cameron sent Tia over to their tent [yeah, they had a tent, not a trailer, not sure why] and bam, no more complaints…I guess it means racism is acceptable when it’s the Asian actress getting fucked over…and I guess that should piss me off more than it does, but, y’know, it’s the lot of women in this world and you’ve either gotta make peace with it and hop on the horse or disappear into obscurity…and that’s why someone likes Tia still gets a seat at the oscars…because she’s been on the horse, and others haven’t [Lucy Liu, anyone?]…

 liu

Okay, this is turning into a Tia Carrere feature…I’ll say a little about the rest of the night, and the other faces I saw…and like I said, thousands are writing about this whole thing so I’m gonna try and pick out things a little different if I can…maybe they won’t be unique, I don’t know, I don’t read much online, but I’ll give it a shot…

First observo…Sean Penn drinking spit shots at the bar every time I went there…seriously, he was even in the same spot…did he go to his seat at all? I guess anyone who watched it on TV would know…did the camera pick him out? Well, I’m guessing no, because he was drinking like Richard fucking Harris, dude…and then when I saw him present the best actress to Bullock…dude, great woman, but what was that award doing in her hands? She can’t act for shit…but Penn, he was a mess…just like last year when he got best actor and was shaking all over the stage…why is he getting so nervous about all this? Was he always like this? Dude, I don’t know, but it seems every time his peers are out in front, the anxiety crescendos and his voice breaks…I guess there’s a theory I could put forward, seems kinda obvious really, but when he does interviews he can dominate because the guy interviewing him is a schmuck, but when he gets up at the oscars, he’s surrounded by talent…he’s got Streep and Nicholson and Robbins staring up at him, and he’s gotta say something smart and insightful, and it scares the shit out of him…but I don’t know, maybe it’s just a mild thing and not serious…though I did know a guy once who thought every time he spoke, he’d speak wrong…yeah, it kinda sent him a bit wacky too…last I heard he was out in the wilderness somewhere up in Oregon…

Okay, I’m getting a bit sucked in with Penn here…it’s not really that big a deal, just a few nerves probably…there’s more important stuff to be written about, starting with a bit of a warning…yeah, not to the whole world public, but mostly to any young actress who finds herself within talking distance of that dirty dog James Cromwell…seriously, I had no idea he was like this…I went to the bar, Tia Carrere-less, and this huge old man comes up to me from behind and puts his hands around my waist, like, in front of the whole room, and before I even have a chance to turn round and decide if this is someone I want feeling me up in a crowded room, he’s in my ear, telling me, ‘if it’s okay on the waist, baby, then we won’t have no problems elevating a little, huh?’ And then those dirty old hands of his are moving up and resting on my tits, in front of the whole fucking room…dude, I’m telling you, this guy is out of his tree…so I turn around, pull his hands off me, and seriously think about punching the dirty old dog in the face, but then I think, it’s a whole room of people, important people, and I see Clint and Morgan out of the corner of my eye, and there’s Matt Damon too, and I calm myself and say to Cromwell, ‘nice to meet you, Sir’ and then walk away…I know, I know, I should’ve said something scathing, but you don’t understand, this wasn’t a movie, it was the real thing, and you can’t say scathing shit to the real James Cromwell, because if you do, your life in this town is over…seriously, I can’t stress this enough…and another thing, this dirty old man is respected like you wouldn’t believe…after his tit grab on me, he had, like, Clooney, Guy Pearce, Spielberg and Mickey Mann all coming up and shaking his hand and saying, ‘Jimmy, how’s it going, you old coot’…so, yeah, feminism got a bit of a kicking, and I’m sorry, but I had to play it the way I played it…this is my career we’re talking about here…but, as I’m writing it all out now, you know my real feelings about this whole thing…and karma’s fucking coming for you, Cromwell…just you wait…

 Cromwell

I should probably talk about the rest of the night and what I saw of the awards and stuff like that…well, not that much actually…I spent most of the night talking to Tia Carrere, and then on the other side of me I had little Scotty Caan, who was whining about Casey Affleck all night…not that I was listening much…I was trying to edge away from him actually as he kept tugging at my arm and dragging me to his mouth to hear him better, but I still had Cromwell in my mind, so I wasn’t playing along, not tonight, not with little Scotty Caan…and he was kinda tedious anyway…I mean, Affleck was getting roles ahead of him, sure, but Affleck had range and talent, Caan didn’t…what else was there to say? If you’re looking for an angry little Napoleon type then Caan’s your man, but anyone else, and…well, he’s just too small to play a real person…seriously, he came up to my shoulder, and when he was sitting down he was up so straight I thought he was on strings…I checked the ceiling a few times, y’know, for the guy puppeting him, and I was thinking who he’d have up there…his Dad maybe? Old Jimmy Caan…but there was no one up there so [sorry, little Scotty] I guess he was just a midget trying to sit tall…

But anyway, the rest of the night, the awards…you really get to see a lot of interesting stuff in the bar, y’know…I mean, you’d think everyone would just carry the fakeness through the whole night just in case someone notices them being real, but no, most of them let it slip…not often, of course, but now and then…and the best one I saw, or the worst, I guess, was Streep after Bullock had won…yup, the elder stateswoman of cinema was in the bar right after Sandy’s speech and she was talking to Stanley Tucci in the corner and I got close enough to hear what she was saying, and, dude, she was talking pretty openly about Sandy B…’Did you see that movie, Stanley? Did you cry? Ha, America cried…God help me, America fucking cried.’ Yup, she wasn’t happy, and she wasn’t finished either…she left Stanley in the corner and walked around the bar smiling and shaking hands and I tagged along behind, y’know, like one of those spies in a plant costume trailing their mark…and she stopped near the entrance and Robbie Downey Jr walks in and she pulls him in and, I get close enough to listen in, she starts talking about Bullock again…’Comedy, Robbie, I love comedy, you know I love comedy…but this woman…she’s no actress, Robbie. You’re an actor, you’re a comedian, great, you straddle them well, honey, but this woman…she can’t do it, Robbie. She can’t do it.’

 streep

I don’t know, I’ve always liked Streep…I mean, I’ve never held her up to the heavenly light and said she’s an inspiration or anything, but she’s got talent…but, dude, she’s a fucking bitch…like, sure, Bullock ain’t much of an actress, but she doesn’t deserve this kind of shit…and the funny thing is, no one was calling her on it…just like with me and Cromwell, everyone just nodded and agreed and said nothing…even a tyro like Downey Jr, he just stood there and said nothing…which kinda makes me lose a lot of respect for someone I used to have a lot of respect for…I mean, if anyone’s gonna tell you to shut the fuck up, I figured it would be him, but no, he’s as meek as the rest of them…but this is the way it is, I guess…the kinda town that turns you into a fraud…even Rourke said it…last year when he sat there for ‘The Wrestler’ there was all that adulation and it made him sick, and he told me, when we were together in-…fuck, no details, what’s done is done…but he told me there was a twin feeling he had about it all, y’know, at the oscars when he was sitting there taking it all in…on one hand, he wanted to start pointing fingers and naming names…all those fakers who’d ignored him for the last ten years…but on the other hand, he knew he was back in, and he knew there were cameras, and the two of them combined, it just paralysed him…that’s what he said, exact words…’it paralysed me, baby.’ [Oh Mickey, I kinda miss you…but why were you such a cunt to me?]

No, I can’t be talking about Rourke…I promised myself I wouldn’t, and I’m not going to…he was just a reference, a branch from my main point, which was…which was Streep…yeah, that smiling bitch, Streep and her behind-the-lines slaughtering of Bullock…where was I? Right, Downey Jr…so, yeah, she hugs him and they go their separate ways and she stalks around the room for a few seconds, shaking and smiling, and then she meets Spike Lee…little Spike and his tedious fucking opinions…yeah, I’ve auditioned for him before, and I’m telling you, dude, I’ve never met a man so obsessed with race…seriously, it’s all he talks about…and that film I auditioned for, dude, he was in my ear, on and on and on about how Japanese I looked and what did I feel about that….and when I tried to answer that I didn’t really feel anything about it, he screamed, ‘no, no bullshit. Look me in the eye and tell me, really, truly, with a fistful of fucking honesty what you feel about it?’ I mean, dude, what was I supposed to say to that? I tried hard to think of something off the wall and different, but it was a nothing question…I’m half-Japanese, half-Chinese, big fucking deal…it’s not like I’m living in Alabama or anything…I just don’t get anyone giving me shit about it, except little Spike…yeah, he was furious when I told him that…I remember his sermon, ‘Race isn’t just an issue, it’s the only issue, sweetheart. You get it? I mean, Jesus fucking-…do you understand?’ and his arms were flailing about like a little kid and everyone else was kinda backing out of the room so I just stood there and took it, which seemed to make him even more pissed…’don’t just fucking stand there like a broom, say something’…so, yeah, I didn’t get that job, but whatever…little Spike’s just not worth it if you ask me…an angry little man with Denzel issues…what’s there to respect?

 spike

I’m way off track, aren’t I? Shit, dude, I’m sorry…it’s just every name that comes up leads to another and then an anecdote…yeah, I’ve pretty much met them all in some way or other…but back to Streep, because there’s one more thing she said that I think you might be interested to hear…see, she had little Spike in a huddle and I was just past her shoulder so I could hear pretty much everything, and she was telling him that she really, really respected black people and had been involved in black empowerment for years, and did he know that Bullock had just set the movement back thirty years with that trash performance of hers? And little Spike was nodding and saying, ‘yeah, simplification, Meryl. Easy politik, sideline the black man, that’s the way it plays.’

Yeah, that’s right, Bullock was turning from Best Actress to a racist in one conversation…and, dude, I should’ve probably intervened and said something, but, y’know, I had that twin feeling Mickey Rourke had…say something and it’s over, say nothing and you’re safe…not that I’m really getting anywhere right now…I guess I had that part in Inception and that little thing in Scott Pilgrim, but apart from that I’m pretty much zero…but still, cross Streep and you’re done before you even start, so, yeah, I played it safe and I’m ready to take all the shame that comes with it…not that anyone will know…only you guys reading this…if there is anyone reading this…but anyway, that conversation, Streep and little Spike…it kinda developed a little further, in a pretty stupid direction really, and I probably shouldn’t bother writing it out, but, fuck it…Streep kept on about Bullock a little longer and little Spike said a few more lines about racial politics and then they both decided that the only way to combat the race issue was to have a full list of ‘black nominations’…yup, all the main categories, best director, best actress, best actor and all that, they should be restricted to black actors…and Streep agreed to this…seriously, she tried to make one concession, that one woman should be allowed in each category too, but apart from that she was on board…and the woman thing…dude, little Spike was resolute…women were allowed in, but they had to be black…and Bigelow, apparently she wasn’t a real woman, she was a man…that’s what they said…and,y’know, after listening to all this revolutionising I was kinda fucking grateful when they finally stopped and split…I mean, were they drunk? How does little Spike get away with this kind of shit?

I don’t know, I really don’t…I guess I should write an end to this now…the night was pretty long and pretty un-dramatic all in all…no one really interesting won anything…Clooney still didn’t win a thing, which is just as well as he plays himself in pretty much every role…not that I don’t like his films, but that last one, the Up in the air thing, that was blatantly him…trust me, I’ve met him, and it was him…he loves to be alone, and the only reason he comes out for parties is to get a fuck…then when the fuck is done, he’s back in his hole, or over in Italy talking to the fucking plants in his villa…seriously, there’s some kind of problem there, maybe sociopathy or something…is that right? Sociopathy? I don’t know…

So, final words…Tia Carrere is lovely, and has done some dirty shit in her time, which just goes to show how tough it is for us Asian actresses in H-wood…James Cromwell is a dirty old man and pretty soon he’s gonna get caught out…Scotty Caan is tiny and doesn’t like Casey Affleck much…I guess if Caan gets any kind of fame in the next five years and Affleck continues the way he is then there’s gonna be some interesting wars of words between those two…we’ll see…and, fuck it, I’ve said enough about Streep…

One more thing…Colin Farrell…he really has changed his ways…seriously, I saw him at the bar and he was drinking Grapefruit juice and when I walked past he stopped me and said I looked pretty…and the funny thing is, he didn’t take it any further…I kinda expected him to, but no, he backed off, kept his hands in his pockets and talked a little about Gong Li and how refreshing she was…and when he asked me if I was having a good night, I told him about the Cromwell thing and he shook his head…dude, I know, he shook his head, Colin Farrell disapproved, and he told me that it was disgusting that a man that age would be doing shit like that…and I said yeah, it was kinda, and Colin got a bit fired up and put his glass down and said he was gonna hunt Cromwell down and tell him straight what he thought of him…and he did, he walked off…I don’t know if he found the dirty old man…I guess we would’ve heard about it if he did, but I’m hoping something happened…even Farrell putting his hands on Cromwell’s tits, that would do it…

So, dude, that’s the wrap up….my night at the oscars…or Rinko Kikuchi’s night at the oscars…not sure if I gave you anything you couldn’t read anywhere else, but I gave it my best…

tomomi

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  1. Gong Li was “refreshing”? What does that mean? lol. Farell was damn lucky to have worked with one of the most beatiful and talented actresses in the world.

    Great Oscar report Tomoni!

  2. I was there. I know it’s all true.

  3. Mickey – Mickey Mann?

    I’m curious about Gong Li…did she really have an affair with Farrell? Isn’t she married to some Singaporean business guy?

    Tomomi, do you know?

    Lawrence – Did you get felt up by Cromwell too?

  4. I stayed up to watch this shit and I don’t even know why. Well, I do know why — I was waiting to see if Ryan Bingham was going to perform because I love his goddamn music, but no. Just fucking James Taylor. Bullshit.

    I swore I wasn’t going to watch it again after Mickey Rourke was robbed last year. ROBBED. He’s too good for Hollywood.

  5. Well, well, more attacks on celebrities. Why am I not surprised about your shameless writings?

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