yearzerowriters

The shit of the world [that might not even be there]

In Gupter Puncher/Oli Johns on March 21, 2010 at 11:42 am

journo 

I don’t really want to be writing this, but no one else is stepping up, so it’s me or nothing. [Maybe I could get Tomomi to write it??]

Yeah, well, as I always say in the print mag, I don’t know much about politics or the workings of the world so I’m just gonna put up a few headlines or something and maybe write a comment or two. I don’t know, maybe the headline or story will speak for itself and I won’t need to write anything, but mostly, these headlines seem kinda slippery so I’ll probably write something so you don’t get the wrong idea…

We’ll start local and then ripple outwards…and local means Hong Kong:

                                      Hung Hom residents fear buildings are unsafe

town

This was taken from the SCMP [South China Morning Post], and as everyone knows..or at least I think they know…I don’t know, there’s seven million in Hong Kong, and only one percent of those are white people, so maybe not that many actually know…but I know, that this paper is shit. Look at the headline, it’s…what’s the word? Humourless. Like a machine came up with it.

Anyway, the headline itself…if you don’t know Hong Kong, you won’t know Hung Hom. Or if you don’t live in Kowloon, you won’t know Hung Hom either…there’s not that much to know…it’s where all the dirty, poor, ugly people live. Seriously, if you want to feel pretty, live in this place…it’s a shithole. And the buildings are falling down…I can’t remember when it was exactly…maybe a month ago…but a five storey building just fell down. Five people died. Many people went to look at all the rubble. And people are still living on this street. Man, how do they sleep? I mean, I guess if one building goes down then there’s less chance of another one falling in the same area, but…actually, is that right? Now I read it back, I’m not sure…if one building is unsafe and the other buildings are all just as old then…I guess that means it’s more likely…is it? I’m confused. Fuck Hung Hom, let’s move on…

                                                              Full-face make-up is back in vogue

 mickey

And looking like shit is out.

I don’t get it. Unless they mean really heavy make-up? Is that what full-face means? Man, I hate women with heavy make-up.

                                                             Front-line Officers confused, unions say

I read some of this story and I think it’s about how the police can’t use handcuffs until they’re sure the person they’re arresting is violent. Which means they have to wait to get hit first? I don’t know, is it so bad to be handcuffed? If I was causing trouble, maybe at a protest or something, I wouldn’t care that much if I got cuffed…beats getting run over by a huge tank…and how long before that happens? I don’t know about this Hu Jintao guy or this CCP, but they’re human beings in power…and they used the tanks once and got away with it…so it can’t be long before they roll them out in Hong Kong…then the officers will be happier, I guess…nothing confusing when you’re in a tank.

[Note: If you wish to join the Police in HK, then, so my friend says, you must answer this question: If you were in a crowd of people and you looked up into the sky and saw a bird with a bomb attached to its body, what would you do? …well, what would you do? And this one: If you saw a colleague being abducted by aliens, what would your response be? Yup, these are serious questions for a serious job. I guess I’m not really sure what answers they’re looking for. Tongue in cheek? Procedural?]

Okay, Hong Kong news is kinda boring…which is strange for a city of seven million…but it’s true, it’s dull…nothing much ever happens except minibus crashes…

So, let’s go further out…into the world I cannot see and sometimes think isn’t really there…actually, that’s not really my thought, I stole it from a Robert Heinlein book…you know, the idea that nothing ever existed before you were born and everyone’s part of your imagination and the tree falling in the forest…yeah, I guess it’s not really treading new ground…probably the most common “big ideas” conversation we have is this one…and there’s a word for it…solicitism? Fuck it, I don’t know…let’s have a look at the “evil” Zhang Ziyi…

                                  Actress takes blame for quake fund delay, but critics unmoved

 zhang ziyi

From what I can tell, Zhang Ziyi forgot to pay out about a hundred and fifty grand to the Sichuan Earthquake people…you know, that thing that happened two years ago before the Olympics, when all the HK celebrities flocked over to help while ignoring the surrounding regions and the poverty there and focused instead on the injured until they were better and could go back to being alive and dirt poor…well, I guess Ziyi decided to keep some of that cash for herself, which is a pretty shit thing to do really…but then, if we think about it, would she really be stupid enough to do that? I mean, someone is gonna find out and there’s gonna be trouble…and most of China already hates her for fucking an Israeli guy and not a Chinese guy, so she’s damned if she does, damned if she doesn’t [give money to Earthquake victims]…

Also, she “took the blame” a month and a half after the scandal broke, and it was in a tearful press conference too…no wonder the critics were unmoved…she’s an actress, how hard is it to cry? For me, it’s quite hard…I can do it, but it takes a few minutes, and if there’s anyone watching then it takes a little longer as I usually crack under pressure…but to do it at a press conference takes skill…and it means that the crying could not be an isolated part…the whole thing had to be a performance, with absolute zero truth…I don’t know, I really don’t like press conferences…no one’s ever caught off-guard…no one ever genuinely cracks under all the pressure.

Hmm, I guess this isn’t really politics…more like entertainment news, and I know some people don’t see that as real news so…

                                                                    Oscar winning couple separate

 kate

Kate Winslet and Sam Mendes are done. Can you believe it?

I figure she must be pretty depressed right now…that’s her second marriage over, and she’s probably sitting there wondering what the point of it all is…I mean, when a relationship ends you usually think about how cyclical everything is, and how tiring it is to repeat the whole thing again, and will she really meet anyone she’ll love with more passion than she did Mendes?

[“They ask that the media respect the privacy of the family.”]

I didn’t see this part. Okay, no more analysis. Though it’s not like we’re taking pics of her topless from a tree or anything…seriously, Gupter Puncher doesn’t even have a camera.

                                                   Hu expected at summit in US despite friction

 robot

Great. The robot returns. Would this guy get elected in any other [democratic] country in the world? I don’t think so…though I don’t really understand voting systems or voting behaviour or party loyalty and stuff like that, so maybe he would…but, really, he has no charisma at all. He even walks funny. I can’t really explain it, but he’s very straight and his arms…they don’t bend, they’re always rigid at his side. Doesn’t he have a trainer? Do the people of China not care? Oh yeah, that’s right, they didn’t vote for him. Those CCP guys did.

I don’t know, I probably shouldn’t hassle China too much…I liked Mo Jack Dong pre-1949, and I like the idea of communism…not that I fully understand it…I just read the first few pages of one of those Communism books in the library and bit of the wiki-definition, and it sounds quite decent…but these guys are crazy. They’re choosing the boss for the country with the most people in the whole world…why aren’t more people organising against this?

You know, I have a feeling that if I write this again in thirty years I will be shot…or is that too melodramatic? I don’t know…melodrama is high emotion, right? Or is it fake emotion pretending to be real? I don’t know, but I’m probably wrong…I mean, I don’t think China shoots everyone…even Mo Jack Dong put them in prison first…and if they continued to be naughty then he’d kill them…so they’d put me in prison first and-…actually, how can someone continue to be naughty if they’re in prison? I’ve never really thought about it before, but it doesn’t make sense…does it? Unless they do what Gerard Butler did in that film I saw…dig a tunnel into the prison you will later be put in, and then go outside whenever you like…do the Chinese dissidents know this? Have they seen this film?

Anyway, I went off topic a bit there…from Hu Jintao to Gerard Butler…I wouldn’t have thought it possible, but as long as Butler’s around there’s always a way…but what is Hu Jintao gonna be up to at this US conference thing? Well, honestly, I don’t know…I don’t know what any of them do at these conferences…in fact, I can’t even imagine the meetings…the only thing I have in my head is a scene from Naked Gun, where Drebin polishes Gorbachov’s head…but I don’t think that’s anywhere near the truth of it…they probably just sit there and talk like robots for a few hours…maybe using translators, I don’t know…I don’t think Obama speaks Mandarin, but Jintao might speak English…which must piss him off no end…no, I think he must use a translator…that way they’re all comfortable and can show more range…and maybe even a few tears?

 jintao

Ah, hang on…I know why he’s going…

[“The US…cannot ask others to [revalue] their currency for the sake of its own export expansion.”]

That was said by the main economic guy in China [also chosen by his mates in the CCP, I guess]. It seems that the US is trying to stop China becoming richer, and China are trying to stop the US stopping them…is that right? I don’t really know anything about economics and I don’t believe either country, so where does that leave us? With a pretty shit politics column probably…lucky no one’s reading…

I will say one thing…China should stop pretending they’re still a third world country…no one’s buying it anymore. Unless they have stopped and I didn’t read about it? Maybe they have…I mean, I read somewhere that they were pretending to be a third world country…it’s not actually my opinion, I took it…and I read that about a year ago and just forgot to check if it was still a decent opinion to have…maybe it is…but I guess it’s better to have a shit opinion than not to have anything…isn’t it?

Okay, time for one more?

                                                   Israel to phase out tank-shells with wide kill zone

 allen

I’ve tried to understand what this one means, but I just can’t figure it…what’s a wide kill zone? How does taking away tank shells create a wide kill zone? Shouldn’t it create a smaller kill zone? I don’t know, I keep looking at the sentence and I just can’t make sense of it…maybe there’s a different way to read it, and I just can’t see it…I don’t know, I guess when the answer comes, I’m gonna look pretty stupid…

But I do know that Israel is a dodgy country. Seriously, whose idea was it to put a country and people of Jewish faith bang in the middle of a continent full of Muslims? I think someone told me the US felt sorry for the Israeli people after the Holocaust, and relocated them back into their old homeland…which is fair enough, nice sentiment, but wasn’t it their homeland two thousand years ago? I really don’t know, and I probably should be mute on this, but how many Jews were living in Israel before WW2? That’s a serious open question, by the way…give me knowledge someone, because I’m empty…

And another thing I’m empty on is the red shirt protest thing in Thailand…but I’m gonna talk about it anyway…just point out where I’m wrong and I’ll see if I like what you’re saying…

                                                         Red Shirts deliver their bloody message

 red

They donated blood and then threw it on the ground in front of Government buildings. Fair enough, I guess it’s their own blood, but what a waste.

And why are they supporting that Thaksin guy anyway? He owned Man City and bribed people, didn’t he? He’s a pretty shit human being, but for some reason all these red shirt people like him…I’ve never understood this…what did he do for them? It’s not like they’re friends…I don’t think Thaksin would buy them dinner or anything…but he must be doing something, because they’re acting like twats for him…

And what’s the Government gonna do about this? I don’t know, but if I were them and some red shirt people threw their own blood at me..I wouldn’t care too much…at least I’d know who the nuts in my country were…would I do what that Iran guy did and throw them in prison and start cutting off heads? I guess you don’t know until you’re tested…I don’t think I would though…because I heard somewhere, some phrase about free will…’if you cut someone’s head off then you’re giving another person free license to cut your head off’…meaning, if you do something shit, you can’t whine if someone does it back to you…

Okay, that’s all I’ve found this week…I might try and get someone else to do it next week…good idea or not?

Wait, one more thing…

                                BERKOFF IN TOWN, CALLS DIRECTOR FRIEND OF GUPTER PUNCHER

 steve

Yes, yes, yes. Mad Russian General Steven Berkoff has been in Hong Kong to talk about himself and how great himself is…I think there were supposed to be workshops, but he worked around that…and at one of his talks/workshops he was confronted by a friend of mine [Should I write her name?]. I don’t know what his real thoughts on the matter are, but he called her up a few days later and said he was interested in her film [and then talked about himself for a while too]…but, this is good news…I can’t remember the last time Berkoff came up for air in the film world…let’s hope he hasn’t forgotten how to sneer…

Okay, that’s really it…finished, done.

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  1. Oli,

    This piece looks very interesting. I want to read this, but I might not get to it today. Tomorrow maybe. I’m away from home right now and do not have regular internet access. But the title alone is enough to draw me back as soon as I have a chance.

  2. Okay, man.

    You’re not in a wide kill zone, are you?

  3. yeah! a mention! and did i mention that SB called me?

  4. yeah! and did i mention that SB called me?

  5. is that you twice, Elissa? Or does Berkoff get around?

  6. Oh the banality of the media.

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