At the Hong Kong Film Festival [with Tomomi Leung]

In Tomomi Leung on April 11, 2010 at 2:58 pm


That’s right, dudes, I’m in Hong Kong.

It’s not really a long story either. There I was in my shitty LA apartment, which is actually just a few apartments down from where Bukowski lived…y’know, the dude who used to fuck around a lot and drink fridges dry…okay, he didn’t live there exactly, more like stayed a few nights…see, the woman he was fucking, she used to live there and, yeah, I know, not much of a trophy, but I’m actually kinda low right now so I’m gonna hold up whatever I can, y’know? [Yeah, if you really have to know, I got dropped from ‘The A Team’ and another thing I can’t really talk about…fucking hierarchies…even in post, you never know if you’re actually in it]…

Okay, dude, I know, ‘not a long story’ suddenly growing a helluva lot longer, but the real short of it was; Oli called up, I wasn’t doing anything, he said there’s a film festa over in HK and he’s got no one else to write about it, so would I come over and throw myself in a few faces for a week or two? Well, I guess I don’t really throw myself in faces, but I do have some talents when it comes to talking to celebs…or, I don’t know, maybe not talents, more like chance or luck or…what’s the word for that, where things just kinda happen around you? Dude, I know I used to know it, but now? Well, whatever it is, it happens to me. Just look at the Oscars and that sleaze, James Cromwell…couldn’t keep his hands off me, even though he looks like the Mummy…and on that note, just a little aside to show karma is still kicking, I hear from a friend of a friend of a waiter, that the old sleaze’s marriage is on the rocks. The wife found out about something or other and kicked him out to some motel a couple of blocks down, and now he spends his days eating alone and watching daytime TV and probably hitting on whatever’s in the room next door. Dude, I wouldn’t like to be the cleaning lady in that joint…

But I’ll tell you another thing, a little bit of truth…some weird shit may have opened up for me at the Oscars, but usually it’s not like that. It’s more of a tight thing, where all the power names watch each others’ backs and you never hear a bad [or racist] word heard about anyone…not even the poor bastards on the way down, like Nolte or Cruise…well maybe a little about Cruise, but nothing too grandstanding. Btw, did you hear he’s got the box out again? Yeah, for some unknown fucking masochistic reason [is that the one where you hurt yourself? I think so, call me on it if I’m wrong though] he’s on the same cast sheet as Cam Diaz again…and instead of midget and model, they’re lovers…like, they kiss and hug each other and fuck implicitly and all that shit, like real deal lovers…and, dude, I just don’t get it. Why? How? I’ve seen him in real space and real time, and he doesn’t even come up to my shin…so how the fuck do they convince as lovers? It’s like Ben Stiller fucking Famke Jansen…just not realistic…


But anyway, Hong Kong…so, yeah, Oli called me over and told me that it wasn’t exactly Ivy League here, but there’d be some names knocking around the place [Y’know, I don’t think Ivy league means what he thinks it does…it’s Harvard and Yale, right?] Guys like Gaspar Noe, Jared Leto, Casey Affleck, and a few others who weren’t women…I guess I should feel a little insulted that Oli thinks I can’t initiate any kind of rapport with women, but, fuck it, a names a name, and the funky thing is, here they’re all off-guard. I mean, it’s a Film Festa so there are cameras, but they’re not the same cameras as in LA…y’know, the ones that fucking leech on to you and suck you dry…well, so I heard…I’ve never actually been that far up the tree, but I caught some of it when I was fucking Luke Wilson way back…

Actually, should I be saying that? Does Luke read this thing? I’m guessing not. Oli said the mag hasn’t really taken off yet, so I’m reading between the lines and thinking it’s dying a small death over there, or over here, or wherever the fuck he puts it…but maybe Luke still searches my name online? I don’t know, he was a pretty weird dude. I mean, I don’t wanna put the guy too far out to sea, but come on…one day he was all over me, the next he’s surfing through one of those dating sites talking to oldies. Seriously, I caught him doing it, and he says to me, ‘Honey, you gotta understand, my mum’s lonely. She’s got no friends…no real friends. All I’m doing is helping her a little.’ And I say yeah, okay, however you wanna protest, it’s fine by me, and then I sit down and look over his shoulder and there’s some sixty year old witch rubbing her twat against the webcam…I mean, not really something you wanna take out of a relationship, y’know?

Actually, it kinda reminds me of a couple of other guys I dated, and another one in a film I saw here. Yeah, I know, I’m a fair few paragraphs in already and I’m not talking about any films, but this is the jump point. Mr Casey Affleck and his bizzare turnout for ‘The Killer inside Me’…that’s his new film btw, something based on something some other dude wrote once. I think it’s the same dude who wrote ‘Postman always rings twice’, but I’m not sure…and, seriously dudes, this one has the some raw fucking power to it.

                                                           KILLER INSIDE ME


I don’t know if it’s professional to type out the film title again, but it felt weird just talking on and on in that same paragraph, and I figure most people who click onto this ain’t here to learn about Luke Wilson and all that other shit I rave on about, so there it is, new title, new paragraph.

So yeah, young Casey has finally got his act together and found his ‘American Psycho’. Y’know, after all those years doing okay work in good but unheard of films like ‘Gone baby Gone’ and that one with Damon and Van Sant out in the desert, people in LA were starting to think he’d go full circle and end up a waiter again. I mean, it’s not unheard of for that to happen. Some guys, they get big, poke their head above the waves, have a taste, then, BAM, they’re back in the shit. I’m talking about the likes of Bruce Payne and Mira Sorvino and…well, er, me. Actually I resent myself for typing that. Yeah, I am in the shit, and I’m not exactly bursting out of it, but I am trying to swim in the right direction. Those other guys, they’re way more hopeless than me, because they’re in the shit and they’re confused…they don’t realise where they are and whenever they look around long enough to see who they’re acting with, they kinda smirk and laugh out their lines. I mean, Mira Sorvino, you can speak Chinese, that’s great, but when’s that gonna matter? It’s not, dude, trust me. I’m Japanese and I know…and that’s why I pretty much do everything…well, not porn, but-…well, not full porn…I mean, you never saw anything go in anywhere…I’m clean, dudes, I swear it…no, I’m talking about subject matter, and my roots, when I first started all this shit. Seriously. Believe it or don’t, but I used to be more of a writer than an actress, and I tell you, I was pretty hardcore about what was good and what wasn’t. I guess some might say I was a snob…y’know, I never used to use words like ‘y’know’ or ‘dude’ or ‘I guess’, and there were times where I was so far out I was reading my shit to the rocks in the desert…like, full art-head stuff, and…actually, I should probably come back to this later, as there’s a dude from my past who actually turned up at this festa and surprised the shit out of me…but more on that after…where was I again?

Fuck, Affleck, that’s where…and not Ben either. I’m talking about the other one, if we’re not already clear, the one who doesn’t seem to be aware of cause and effect. Yeah, that’s pretty vague, I know, but I’m talking about his behaviour over this new film of his and…well, just let me explain a little. See, this film, the ‘Killer inside me’, got a premiere here, which I guess is kinda a big deal as most of the other films were just shown bare without presentation or Q&A or whatever else they do, and the director turns up[Michael Winterbottom, a true art-head] and one of the women from the film…I think it was Kate Hudson, but I never saw her face…but no sign of Casey Affleck. Now, I know it’s only Hong Kong, nothing too glitzy, but I ask around a few ‘behind the scenes’ people and they say he was definitely supposed to be there. Only after an hour of delays, he still hasn’t turned up. So, the director goes on stage anyway and tells us a little about the film and the violence to women we’re about to see, and he even says if we wanna walk out we can as he’s seen worse at other festas [and yeah, I did hear about this…in Sundance, some bitch got up and shouted out to the whole room that he should be ashamed of himself, and shit like she’d never been so sickened in all her life…] and then the director guy, he says, ‘I’m not sure where Casey is, but I know he’s very proud of this film.’ Then he sits down and the film starts pretty slow and I sit there near the front thinking, yeah, real proud, and I imagine Affleck back in the hotel room, hiding in the bathtub or something. I mean, everyone knows he’s a bit wacko, and he’s been following Wacky Phoenix around with that camera of his, so a reputation is definitely growing out of all this…but as I watch the film, I change my mind and think, wow, this is pretty fucking good, even if the best scenes are him caving in Jessica Alba’s head. That’s right dude, it’s sickly violent, and you probably never knew human hands could do this kind of shit, but that rage in Affleck’s eyes…he’s running about a million circles round Bale and American Psych in this…seriously, he’s that good, so good that when the real Casey Affleck walks in about forty or so minutes into the screening, half the room shifts in their seats away from him. Well, apart from me, because I’ve got a job to do, y’know, and I realise that no one else is gonna interview this dude except me because no one else has the balls to look him in the eye. I guess you might wonder why I have, but it’s not that big a mystery. I mean, I’ve still got my head, but yeah, I’ve seen that kind of misogyny before. And not just the angry, nearly men either. I’m talking about some big names here, and one or two of them you wouldn’t think could lash out like that, but-…well, I’m not gonna say anymore about that…gotta keep some secrets in this town…

Hang on, I’m not in that town, I’m in Hong Kong, aren’t I? Okay then, fuck it. Woody Harrelson. Patrick Dempsey. And the worst of them, Seth Green. Yeah, that guy, the only dude in LA that has to look up to see Holly Hunter. He’s got a temper like you wouldn’t fucking believe…and, y’know, the only thing that limits it is that he’s so fucking small. Dude, I tell you, that one was way back and it kinda makes me laugh to bring it back up. I mean, I’m still wondering, ‘did I really fuck a dude that small?’ Well, I guess I did, but no vids, no pictures, so who knows? If no one’s there to record it, did it really happen? Or how about this one: ‘If little Seth Green whines in a forest, and no one’s there to hear, does he make a noise?’

 mad seth

Anyway, back to the film…so, yeah, dudes, I gotta say, if violence on screen ain’t your thing then do not see this film. It is hardcore. I mean, Jessica Alba gets the brunt of it, which is some kind of fucking apology for that EYE film she did, and that superhero shit where she turns invisible, but it’s still kinda hard to watch as her face gets smashed up. Not that anyone left the cinema though. The director actually thanked them after the film, saying he was glad this was an audience that would give a film a chance. And some of them clapped, but, dude, I talked to some other local guys afterwards and they told me that local HK audiences never leave a screening. Yeah, seriously, they never walk out, so the guy said, because they’re too fucking embarrassed to be seen leaving. I know, land of the meek, and it kinda surprised me as even in Japan you’d get walkouts if the film really pushed you to it…not that I think this film did…like I said, it’s got violence, but it’s there for a reason, dude, and you’ve gotta try and think why…why is Alba’s head looking funny like that? Well, I’m no critic, not really, so I’ll leave it open and let you other guys figure it out. And while you’re doing that, I’ll be listing all the other films you should be checking out…

Well, I will be in a minute, but first, let’s have a look at the names, or the talent as they like to think of themselves. I mean, this festa wasn’t huge, but it had some Romanesque stuff going on behind the scenes…or not even behind them, more like, right out in front. Seriously, funky things happened and I wouldn’t feel like much of a correspondent, or whatever it is I am, if I didn’t speak out. And the first thing to say is…

Jared Leto is a sleaze. And he speaks French. Did any of you guys know that? I sure as fuck didn’t. I mean, I heard he did some dirty shit behind Cam Diaz’s back, but, fuck, she was doing dirty shit in front of his face, so I’d call that one even…but yeah, now he’s apparently single, he’s got arms longer than Dhalsim. The only difference is he’s not trying to punch someone in the gut, he’s trying to get his hands on some tits. And I tell you what, he didn’t do too badly. I don’t really know who’s who in the HK celeb land here [does anyone??] but there were a lot of Chinese women around with American accents, and Leto had his hands all over most of them. And the wacko thing was, he was only in town for one night, yet according to some other guys I met, and the witness of my own eyes, he must’ve taken at least twelve local “stars” to those private rooms. Which is another thing that seems a bit weird here. I mean, the screenings I went to were all at a place called the Cultural Centre, and looking at the décor and the art installations they had up, I’d guess it was the main arts hub of HK…y’know, like a real highbrow place where real artists hang out…but then, you see the little ushers putting their arms round Leto and his women and guiding them into one of those rooms, and then standing guard outside…which is also weird when you really think about it, as they know what Leto’s doing in there and, still, they’re standing there like he’s the fucking King of Sweden or something. I mean, dude, this is Jared Leto. Jared fucking Leto. Five minutes in ‘Panic Room’, and what else has he done? Spoken French in a film that was a complete fucking waste of time. Yeah, seriously, it was that bad…so bad I won’t even say it’s name [Mr. Nobody] and even apart from that, the guy looks like shit. Those cute blue eyes are still there, sure, only now they’re surrounded by the face of a fat middle-aged dude, which means, yup, he’s starting to look like Ron Howard circa-…dude, I don’t know what circa, but whenever it was Howard’s face dropped…


So, fuck Leto, and fuck the stupid women who fucked him. I hope they enjoyed it because there’s no way they’re gonna come over to my patch and jump the queue…not after all the compromises and shit I’ve had to do to-…ah, fuck it.

Next up, Gaspar Noe.

Dude, another guy, another sleaze. What is it with this festa and these guys? I know it’s not on any radar I know of, and it ain’t gonna make it back to Variety or any shit rag like that, but come on, there must be someone snapping all this shit, right? Hong Kong does have cameras, doesn’t it? But, no, it seems not…and it seems Noe and Leto [and Jimmy fucking Cromwell, if he can get his sleazy ass over here fast enough] have all been given a free pass to do as much fucking as they like. Seriously, show me a photo of this Cultural Centre and a bordello and I wouldn’t know the difference. And all these local women…dude, they don’t seem to know how to close their legs. And I’m not even hyperboling. They walk around like they’ve just been fucked, they’re about to be fucked and they’re hoping to get fucked, all at the same time…is that even possible? I don’t know. I mean, dudes, I’ll hold my hands up and say, yeah, I’ve done some shit in my time, but not like this, not on the same fucking night…and I do have some dignity. I don’t just go with anyone, I do select with some care. Like, when this guy, Gaspar Noe, comes up to me and says he wants to lick my asshole in front of the whole city. Seriously, he said that to me, right in front of that famous Greek director guy and Jean Pierre Jeunet [Dude who did Amelie] and they were rolling their eyes too, god bless them…yeah, some guys at this thing had some class, not many, but some…and this Noe guy, dude, he was an animal…kinda like you imagine Willem Dafoe to be…and after that asshole line he comes closer to me and shouts in my ear [I think he was trying to whisper] ‘In my mind, I’m fucking you already.’ And I smiled and thought about saying, ‘In my mind, I’m calling the fucking cops already’, but, yeah, that would have been too clever. Actually, I didn’t really think that. Y’know, when these things happen, when they’re actually taking place, you can’t think straight because you know who’s watching you, which is like the whole fucking room in this case, and you’re wondering how this ugly French clown has the balls to say such things to you, and when you add it all up, in the moment, you can’t say a word…dude, I’m not kidding, it turns you to fucking stone, and that’s probably why I let the guy take my hand and feel me up against the nearest wall. I mean, I didn’t want to, but before I knew it, there I was, with Noe’s hands on my tits, saying shit like ‘Now the fuck turns real. Now my cock actualises itself.’ Yup, again, that’s what he said, exact words, I swear…and then he takes my hand again and leads me to one of the ushers who tries to get the two of us inside one of the private rooms, which is where I finally snap the fuck out of it and tell Mr. Gaspar Noe, ‘Look, I’m not gonna fuck you.’ And I don’t really know why, but he accepts it and lets me go…well, lets go of my hand. He still wants to talk about his film though [they always fucking do]…oh yeah, the film…that’s why I’m here, isn’t it? Sorry, sorry, sorry…


                                                           ENTER THE VOID

enter the void

To sum up the film, it’s like that book by ‘Mr. Genius ahead of his time Huxley’ where he sat on a bench, took LSD and wrote about it. I mean, wrote about it while it was happening…which I’ve never really understood actually…how can you write anything on LSD? How do you hold the pencil? Dude, how do you even know it’s a pencil? I don’t know, but this film is kinda like that. There’s a drug dealer guy in Tokyo and he gets killed pretty early on and then kinda floats high above everything and, well, I guess Noe did it all with crane shots or CGI or something, because there’s no way he was up there himself…not unless there was a seagull he wanted to fuck…but yeah, the film is actually quite decent, and this isn’t a surprise, but it’s sleazy too…sleazy in a good way, I guess. Meaning there’s tits and ass, but tits and ass for a reason, which is always the kind of tits and ass I try to get across when I do the shit I do. And I don’t know who the actress is, but she gets into some good positions and really sells the whole thing. And that’s a hard thing to do, seriously, I know this for fact, dudes…trying to make people think you’re having sex for real, instead of faking sex for cameras, it’s a really difficult thing to pull off, but this girl does it. She fucks like there weren’t fifty guys watching her every move. But, y’know, I bet Noe still got to her. Unless he’s different around people he actually has to have a working relationship with…I don’t know, men do change that way sometimes, but most of the time it’s all temporary…

Okay, just one more super fast word on Gaspar Noe. He really, really, really likes to talk about his films. Seriously, it was nearly two in the morning before I could get away from him, and even then I had to dodge one more time on the ‘quick fuck’ thing…yeah, he tried another line on me, this one a bit more philosophical…the old ‘everything is meaningless anyway, and the night is merely the night, so why not fuck?’ Y’know, I don’t actually have a decent answer to that one yet. I mean, ‘fuck off’ will work, but it’s not really a comeback to tell the grandkids about, is it? And I guess the reason is-…I don’t know, what is the reason? That the question is unanswerable? Everything is meaningless and why not…it is true, isn’t it? Well, yeah, probably, but I still wasn’t gonna fuck Gaspar Noe, so I said, ‘Nice film, dude, hope you make another’ then ran for the door…

And you might think that would be the end of my film festa, but, no, there’s more. There are a lot of other films I have to tell you about, because honestly, I’ve kinda neglected the films, haven’t I? Yeah, I know I have, I don’t need confirmation…and I think I even left that Casey Affleck story open-ended…did I? I’m too lazy to go back and check, but I think I-…yeah, I did, I cut it short[Should I finish it, Oli?].


Okay, so to conclude on Affleck, he comes in late to the screening…remember, that crazy violent film where he smashes Alba’s head in…and he gets up at the end of the film and takes the microphone and everyone sits there waiting for some kind of apology for missing the start…but then something weird happens, or something weirder, I guess. See, he doesn’t apologise. He doesn’t say sorry to the director or the audience or anything. In fact, he doesn’t do anything. Yup, I’m not kidding, dude, he just stands there and does nothing…says nothing…complete fucking silence…and after about a minute of this, of him standing with a wacko kind of smirk on his face and staring at what seems like every face in the audience, he laughs a little and comes forward to the front row and points back at the screen and says, ‘that was me’. And I can see the director laughing at this, but at the same time standing up and sliding his hand slowly towards the mic to get it off him and get him the fuck out of there…but Affleck won’t let him. He backs off and keeps saying, ‘that was me, that was me’, and after another minute of this someone in Hong Kong finally grows some balls and stands up at the back of the room and shouts, ‘you should be ashamed of yourself’ and walks out. Which is kinda funny to Affleck, it seems, as he runs up the stairs after the woman, shouting into the mic, ‘YOU should be ashamed of yourself, sweetheart. YOU!’ And, y’know, there wasn’t that much more to say from that point on as the mic chord got pulled loose and Affleck disappeared out of the room, shouting a little less loud…and, yeah, that’s probably the last you’ll hear from him for a little while, I guess…unless it’s all some kind of scam no one knows about, and Affleck is feigning madness to…to do what? I don’t know…all these funky publicity stunts really are beyond me, but, dude, credit where it’s due, the guy made a good film.

Okay, dudes, now to the films. I know, I’m like two-thousand words in and I’ve only talked about the sleaze and Jessica Alba’s head, but now I’m gonna rectify things a little. See, this festa was actually pretty decent for world cinema, and there were things going on here that were actually kinda normal. Like those two from ‘Bright Star’ holding each others’ hands all through the screening…y’know, I can’t remember his name, but I know he’s a ‘Ben’, and he was in ‘Perfume’, and the girl was Abbie Cornish, and they look really fucking comfortable as a couple. Good for them. And the film…dude, if you like stories where the two main characters are really fucking smart and poetic [The ‘Ben’ guy is John fucking Keats!] and into each other then you have to see this. The only thing I can say against it is about Cornish…I mean, I started out as a pretty militant feminist, but would a woman in the early nineteenth century really have been this modern? I don’t know, but I’ve seen this a lot in films recently…y’know, the woman a couple of centuries ahead of her time, and I’m not sure about the truth of it…but anyway, ‘Bright Star’ is decent, and what else?



It’s Coppola and it’s Gallo and I really wanted it to be good, but…I don’t know, the story’s great, the idea of a family in Argentina, a family of creative talent, hating each other and ripping each other apart…but it just seems like the last film Coppola did. I mean, the guy still knows how to twirl the camera and get fire out of his actors, but does he have anything left to say? It’s the same with Scorcese…nice films he’s making, but it’s not him, is it?

On a very quick side note: Mr. Vincent Gallo…I’m sorry to do this again, but this guy really put a spell on me when I met him a few years back, and I feel like I just have to write down what an amazing fucking man he is. I mean, I’ve met some brilliant people in my time…y’know, I kinda hinted at it earlier, but I wasn’t always aiming at the big time in LA. In fact, I used to be a bit of an art-head, and it was Gallo, who I met on some improv thing he was doing in Austin back in…I don’t know, 2005, I think…it was him who made me think film still has a future as art. I won’t say what happened…and it wasn’t exactly one way either…I used to write some pretty good shit before I kinda re-aligned my ambition and saw what I had to do to get anywhere in the business…so, yeah, he was into me too, and when I saw him at this festa thing…dude, he was like, more amazing than ever. Seriously, he’s pretty well known for going his own way, and he never does interviews and is kinda surly if you come over trying to dig something out of him, but if he sees something in you, if he knows you’re an art-head too, then prepare for fire, dudes…

So, the point of this is…when I did see him, and kinda half-told him what a sell-out I’d become, he was still decent to me. I mean, I could see a little disappointment, but he didn’t let it govern his words, y’know? And I asked him what he was doing there, and he said, ‘For once in my life, I’ve decided to support someone else.’ Which, if you know Vince like I know him, is a pretty big step to take…so, yeah, not really a great anecdote for a side note, but I had to put it in…

Okay, other films…and I’ll be racing through these a little as my flight’s going soon, and I wanna see Vince one more time before I go…and, no, that’s not me trying to dig a film role out of him, it’s a personal meet…and besides, it’s not like Vince has any sway in LA…they fucking hate him there, dudes…fucking robots[Not naming names on this one, sorry]…


                                                            WILD GRASS


This is a wacky French film done by some eight-seven year old dude. I think his name’s Resnais, I’m not sure, but I do know he’s pretty much unheard of. I mean, I’m guessing he was around somewhere during the French New Wave, but he never stood out, right, or we would have heard of him. So, yeah, he’s not populist in any way, but this film’s pretty decent. An old guy finds a woman’s wallet and starts fantasising about her…and it doesn’t go where you think it’s gonna go, and it shows a side of Paris that you don’t normally see in film…which is kinda impressive actually as Paris has been shot to shit…

And the main guy in this…after the screening he got up and said the director couldn’t be there…not because he was dead, but because he was on vacation in Greece, the lazy bum…but he had given him a list of the fifty films he would like everyone to see before they died…or before he died, I’m not sure exactly what he said…and the guy reads out the list, and as he reads I quickly realise I have heard of none of them. Seriously, it sounds stupid but it kinda depressed me…have I become that narrow that I only watch American? I don’t know, I figure I watch the odd Spanish or Asian film, but is it enough? I mean, there’s only so many films you can watch in your lifetime, but, dude, maybe I am missing out here…what do you think?


                                                     MOTHER IS A WHORE

Well, this one’s Korean, which means, dude, prepare for wacko. I guess it’s kinda similar to that other Korean director guy…the one who did ‘Thirst’ and ‘Oldboy’…I mean, similar in the way this director rationalises the absurd…is that the right way to describe it? I don’t know…like I said, I’m not as good with words as I used to be, but it seems like the right fit. And this plot really is wacko, but still real. One scene, you’ve got the mother being set up by the son to fuck some other guy, and the son tells her he’s gonna watch from the window. And then you see him instructing her on how to bring the other guy in and how to sit on him and what to do when fucking him, and then he changes his mind and says he wants to be in the room watching it…and this kinda sums up the whole film. Wacko-absurdist. But it works.


                                                     POLICE, ADJECTIVE


I haven’t seen many Romanian films, but I’m gonna. This one is decent. I can’t really explain the plot, but there is a policeman in it, and I’m not sure about the adjective part…can ‘police’ be an adjective?…but there are some really fucking truthful scenes in it. The best one, you get the wife of the policeman playing this shitty Rom-pop song to him, over and over and over until he snaps and…I won’t tell you what he does, but, dude, it’s a weird fucking scene, and brilliant too. So, yeah, this is another you gotta track down…



It’s Greek, it’s nuts, and, dude, you ain’t gonna believe the sex and madness they show in this one. The director seemed kinda happy with how it turned out as he was beaming after the screening, and he said to us that it’d probably be the only showing in HK as no one had picked it up. Which is kinda weird as it’s exactly what independent film should be. I mean, dudes, if you’re reading this and you live in HK then get on the phone and starting making some noise…oh yeah, and I should probably tell you the plot…it’s three kids locked up in some weird countryside home, their whole lives controlled by their wacko parents, who don’t actually come across as wacko in any way…y’know, they still do chores around the house and cook dinner and shit, so the tone of this thing kinda catches you off-guard…but, yeah, what I said a few lines back: get on the phone, start making some noise, or you’ll be stuck with all the fake shit from LA for the rest of your days.

Okay, anything else? I can’t really think of anything…I came, I saw, I got hit on…not much else to say really.

Hang on, there is one more thing. My shit writing. I feel like I should apologise for the scatty grammar and vocab and shit all over this thing. I guess I don’t really have any excuses, but, it’s weird…it’s like for some reason I forgot how to write. I mean, I did the last piece about the Oscars and I felt okay about that one, but then, when this one came along…dude, I can’t explain it, but it was like I was second guessing everything I typed, and it still seemed wrong. So, yeah, this was quite a struggle actually…hope it doesn’t read too much that way…sorry, mi culpa, or whatever the spanish of that is…and, for better or worse, I’ll probably see you in a couple of weeks for Super Cannes!


  1. So you know Bruce? I made him a star. Say hi to him for me.

  2. And are you really here in Hong Kong? You should ask me to lunch.

  3. Sorry man, she’s back in LA, the land of fake shit.

    I don’t know if she knows Bruce Payne or not. I don’t even know if it’s a good idea to know Bruce Payne or not. Does he still make films?

  4. Last time I saw Bruce in anything, he was playing a Demon in Buffy The Vampire Slayer. He was almost a star for a moment. No idea what happened. He starred in a show I was a writer on back in the Eighties and it sent him to LA.

    Shame Tomomi aint around. You should have told me she was in town.

  5. Wow, I never heard of this festival before, but it sounds like a good time. Where is this culture centre? haha.

    by the way, Tomomi, you are HOT! If that’s you in the pic…is it?

  6. I have to say, it’s interesting how easy it seems to be to make fun of a genuine, honest and brave actor like Mr. Payne. But I suppose you’re in a so high position to do this, right? No, didn’t think so.

    For your information, which you obviously need spoonfed to you, Bruce Payne is heavily involved in theatre work, so he doesn’t have the time nor the heart to bother with films so much anymore. And he never was very interested in a movie career anyway. Oh right, you knew that already, right? No? Well, let’s talk about his charity work then, shall we? Did you know he spends a lot of ihs own time, most of his year, in fact, in Eastern Europe, helping to build schools in Romania.

    Actually, what’s the point of this? I know you’re not listening. Shame on you.

    • Bruce does a lot of films. He’s got five with his name in this year alone… and it’s only April.

      # Disturbance (2010) (post-production) …. Priest
      # Re-Kill (2010) (post-production) …. Winston
      # Carmen’s Kiss (2010) (completed) …. Michael
      # Prowl (2010) …. Bernard
      # Dance Star (2010) …. Harry

    • Yeah, sorry, man [Bruce??] but even I know Bruce Payne’s ass is everywhere in film. And he makes shit. Was even in an Uwe Boll film, i think.

      So when you say heavily involved in theatre work, you mean he’s an usher? Or scenery maybe? Instead of two characters standing by a tree, they’re standing by a Bruce Payne. Am i right?

      Thanks for coming though. Stick around and try some other stories, maybe some without Bruce.


  7. Bruce Payne? Is that you?
    I see that your google alerts are all up to date.

  8. Well, I had a suspision that you would try to dispute my comments. And I was correct, but did some of you people write the article here? No, you are not Tomomi Leung, are you?

    However, I am very capable of defending Mr. Payne, even though he does not need my protection. You say he has done many films in this year? Well, what you obviously don’t understand is that Bruce is doing those films for money so he can use this money to help his local theatre, and even the roles are very small for this films anyway so it no great drain on his time. Yes, it is so easy to criticise Mr Payne when you look at a list of films and do not know the real facts. But now you know the facts, and I am certain that you will not heed them. I know you will try to justify your positions again and write more slander against a great and honest man. Well, if you want to be a snake and cynical then go ahead, but I will not return to answer it.

    And why would you call me Bruce Payne? Is that even likely? I think not. Not that I care what you think, but I am a passionate and real fan of his work, that is all. You may think otherwise if you so wish.

  9. I like Bruce. We suffered together! Give him my regards and ask him if he ever bumped into Ranald again.

  10. and just like that, Bruces Payne was gone.

    I wonder if he/she/Bruce read anything else here…

  11. Probably an intern at some agency given the job of googling up clients names and running damage control. Considering that the only damaging thing said was that he was in Buffy the Vampire Slayer, had some how not had a stellar Movie career, but was still doing a lot, doesn’t exactly seem particularly critical. I mean, it’s a tough business and a lot would count that as at least making a decent living!

  12. Haha! That’s the funniest thing I’ve read in a while. What an idiot Noe is and I really think his films suck and apparently so does he! Made my day, now I have to work!

  13. Yeah, Noe’s a dog.

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