Archive for June, 2010|Monthly archive page

Me and Bukowski [Inc. ‘So you want to be a writer?’ by Bukowski]

In Gupter Puncher/Oli Johns on June 30, 2010 at 1:16 pm


if it doesn’t come bursting out of you

in spite of everything,

don’t do it.

unless it comes unasked out of your

heart and your mind and your mouth

and your gut,

don’t do it.

if you have to sit for hours

staring at your computer screen

or hunched over your


searching for words,

don’t do it.

if you’re doing it for money or


don’t do it.

if you’re doing it because you want

women in your bed,

don’t do it.

if you have to sit there and

rewrite it again and again,

don’t do it.

if it’s hard work just thinking about doing it,

don’t do it.

if you’re trying to write like somebody


forget about it. Read the rest of this entry »

The A-TEAM and the end of everything [WARNING: SPOILERS]

In Gupter Puncher/Oli Johns on June 24, 2010 at 2:21 pm

There’s a list that will be the end of everything.

Ten specific questions made by someone unknown which when asked will do the thing I just said above.

Some people suspect it was made by China. Some believe it doesn’t exist. Yaphet Kotto believes it was aliens. Or the alien.

But, wherever it came from, it is real.

Joe Carnahan first heard about it after the test screening of the A-Team movie in Pasadena. He got back home and there was a message on his machine.

‘Questions are coming. Run for life.’

But he didn’t run. He’d finished the film and was pretty happy with what he’d done, and the Pasadenans seemed pretty happy too. And how bad could these questions be anyway?


Bradley Cooper was at the junket trying not to eat pizza.

It wasn’t easy. Every room he went into, every interview, the guy asking the questions would offer pizza. As if they couldn’t stand the idea of him having abs. Which they couldn’t. He knew that well because he’d tried to offer pizza to Mark Wahlberg one time, when he had abs. But…Wahlberg, man, he was like a monk with his body. An ascetic to a fucking annoying degree, didn’t he ever-… Read the rest of this entry »

Nihongo wo hanasenai [I can’t speak Japanese]

In Gupter Puncher/Oli Johns on June 12, 2010 at 2:28 pm

The first eighteen years of his life, Oli never learnt a language.

There was French in high school, but that was accidental. Or not accidental, mandatory, but that wasn’t really it.

He never understood why he had to learn another language. He had a friend and a sister who learnt the grammar and the perfect and the irregulars, but he couldn’t ever imagine doing that.

The French teacher said one time, ‘the key is…to think in French.’

His sister said one time, ‘You’re stupid if you can’t do it.’

His friend said one time, ‘I wanna fuck a French girl.’

And there was German too, but that was cold. Way too cold for him. Yet, he thought later, there are, what, seventy million people in Germany who feel comfortable using these words.

But at the time, in those first eighteen years, he couldn’t understand how to do it. And he did wonder sometimes if he was stupid. And then counter-wonder if other people like his sister and his friend wanted him to think he was stupid. And most times, the counter wonder was dominant. Read the rest of this entry »

Greenberg – FILM REVIEW [By Mark Kermode & Simon Mayo]

In Gupter Puncher/Oli Johns on June 3, 2010 at 2:39 pm

A BBC radio studio, Mayo at the helm, Kermode sitting opposite.

Simon: Okay, we’re gonna leave Colin with the lovely…er, the lovely Mei Sawai…and move right onto the films of the week…and-…

Mark: You’re gonna leave him?

Simon: …apologies for being late with-…yeah, who? Colin?

Mark: You’re actually gonna leave him with…

Mark points at a space in the studio.

Simon: What?

Mark: You’re leaving him with…you said you were leaving him with…whats-her-name?

Simon: Mei Sawai.

Mark. Yes. Mei Sawai, the…the Japanese adult-…

Simon: The adult video star.

Mark: Exactly. Read the rest of this entry »