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Archive for July, 2010|Monthly archive page

The Misinception of Chris Nolan

In Pat Black on July 30, 2010 at 3:43 pm

 

Christopher Nolan blew back a strand of strayfully bodisome blond hair and looked in the mirror.

            “Now there,” he said, chuckling, “is a fine-looking man.”

            The mirror blinked, and then frowned. “Uh, thanks, Mr Nolan. Are you feeling alright?”

            “Whoah.” It wasn’t a reflection, it was… goodness, it was Leonardo Di Caprio. “But… you look just like me, with the tie, and the baby blues, and the wavy landslide hair, and… I need to write this down. This is important.” He did, too, clicking at his BlackBerry.

            Di Caprio drained a glass of scaatch. “Well… I’m sure it is. I’ll, uh, be going now. Great party, Mr Nolan. I have to go and, uh, keep my mildly cool resume updated.”

            “Yes, do, do,” said Nolan. “Oh, tell me. Where are you on the Newman Scale now? You’re what, a Level Four? Pretty boy turned full-fledged serious actor, but still a leading man? Is that the Brad Pitt?”

            “Sure is.” The Di Caprio grin. “Now it gets difficult. I’m going for Level Five. The Depp. Beautiful man unsure of own face, has to go all weird and dark to make sense of it. That’s where I want to be. A character actor in all but cheque.”

            “Sure thing.” Nolan gestured to the table, littered with party debris – cocktail sticks, lonesome quiches, empty bottles, lines upon lines of coke destined for the dustbin as usual. “Um… you sure you don’t want to take some?”

            Di Caprio was good at playing the innocent. “Some..? Come again?”

            “Oh come on. You want a slice, don’t you? To take home? To share with a lady friend, maybe?”

            “Gee. Well I’m not sure if I can, Mr Nolan. You throw a mean party and all, I hate to take advantage of your hospitality…” But he was rubbing his palms against his trouser legs. That was a “tell”, Nolan knew. Or eczema, maybe.

            “Nonsense, mate, nonsense. Come on, have a slice of Credibility.”

            “Are you sure? No… I couldn’t. I’m full. And I’ve had loads from working with Scorsese again on Shutter Island. I’ll get fat on that stuff.” But he was licking his lips.

            “Oh come on, don’t be shy now. I’ve got lots of it to go around. I’m Trusted. You know – ‘In Nolan We Trust’?” Read the rest of this entry »

‘Charcoal’ [My new book] Vs Publication!

In Uncategorized on July 28, 2010 at 2:05 pm
Earlier this year I wrote a miserable book called ‘Charcoal’, about a guy trying to save a Korean model from suicide.

Good news, it’s been picked up and will be published in October by Eight Cuts Gallery Press.

I’ll put up more info about that sometime in September
Also…

If you wanna buy my other book [Benny Platonov – a guy trying to save the homeless in HK], which was released through YEAR ZERO  then you can now get it at:

After School, Causeway Bay – there are five copies there, but the owner said books sometimes get stolen. Will mine be next?

Joyce is not here, Soho, Central – seven copies here…

Kubrick Cafe, Yau ma Tei – six copies, next to Bolano’s ‘Savage Detectives’ I think…

Albion Beatnik, Oxford, UK – Never been to this place and have no idea why they have my book, but they do, so…

If you don’t know where any of these places are, or if you had a really shit experience in one of them and can’t face going back, you can buy online here:

http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/benny-platonov/6214867?productTrackingContext=search_results%2Fsearch_shelf%2Fcenter%2F2

I gotta warn you that the online version is expensive, and the book itself is an overwritten piece of shit, but it has a great quote on the back…

What else?

There will be a new magazine out at the end of August…on the front cover there will be Bill Murray and Japanese people…

Oli

Predators Vs Homoeroticism[via Danny Glover?]

In Marcella O Connor on July 25, 2010 at 2:30 pm

Err…warning, there might be spoilers for Predator 2[1991?] in this…

I tried to watch Predator 2. I told my husband that I had heard it was good and couldn’t wait to see it.

“Are you taking the piss?” he asked.

We sat down to watch it on surfthechannel and almost straight away I had to say it: “What the fuck is this?”

Jamaican voodoo gang? Really? As soon as I saw the blond guy in the suit, I knew he was going to die. I didn’t stay awake long enough to watch him die, though. I sort of lost interest.

So now…I’m not sure. I wanted to write a proper review, but I was too bored to actually go back and finish watching the film, so I just googled shit on it instead.

Have you googled Predators? If so, have you ever wondered, why the fuck is this alien wearing a cod piece? Or is that jock strap? Have you ever noticed how alien movies always feature aliens that look more or less like apes? Why don’t they ever feature a virus from space or some shit that looks like a giant jellyfish or cockroach? That would be way more scary than an ape in a cod piece.

I’m starting to think that maybe the ape-in-a-cod-piece-alien is some sort of representation of homoeroticism. Like the alien, with his super sexy, muscly bare legs and cod piece, is a bit scary because the kind of men who are attracted to these films are afraid of their own homosexual desires. That could also be why there were so many naked male bodies hanging from the ceiling in this film. Look closely at a photo of the alien in the newest film in the series. He’s wearing fishnet stockings.

Lads, what do you think? Next time you watch this film, imagine that Danny Glover is hunting down and being hunted down by his own homoerotic attraction to that really annoying actor playing the rookie. This is pretty much the only reading of the film that makes sense.

Predators Vs the Cowardly [100% SPOILERS]

In Gupter Puncher/Oli Johns on July 20, 2010 at 12:51 pm

 

[NOTE: This is very, very long, covering the whole film pretty much. Maybe take a break after the Laurence Fishburne part?] 

I don’t really know how I know this part, but…

 

Adrien Brody wakes up falling through sky. There’s no time to think of where he is or how he got there, because pretty soon he’s gonna hit the ground. Lucky for him, the button on his belt which looks a little like the Thundercats’ badge, lights up and, bam, he’s got a chute.

 

But, bam, the chute is a piece of shit, and he hits the jungle floor hard. No broken bones though, as he gets up and looks around and pretty soon he meets Danny Trejo.

 

Then the Russian guy.

 

Then five more, most with some sort of gun.

 

And then me.

 

***************************************

 

I wake up falling, and close my eyes again. It’s a dream. But it’s cold on my face, and it feels like I’m actually, honestly, falling through the air, so I open my eyes again and see the jungle coming towards me, and somehow I can think a little more clearly than Brody, and all I can think of are repeated scenes of my body hitting the ground and-…

I try to close my eyes again, but I can’t stop looking at the top of all those canopies, and for a moment I think, fuck, a canopy…a load of canopies…maybe it’ll be like landing on a cushion? But then I picture the branches and the ground, and even if it is jungle ground, with soil and no concrete, it’s still gonna work the same way as regular ground…

Then my button lights up and the chute opens, and I drift into one of the canopies and hit the ground on my back, but, hey, same as Brody and the rest of them, nothing broken. Read the rest of this entry »

Predators Vs the anxious [Warning: SPOILERS!]

In Flannery Plath on July 18, 2010 at 2:02 pm

 

 

[Note: This is the opening salvo of a whole bunch of Predators stuff…]

 

I sit down in the cinema with Billy on one side, a woman on the other and right away I know something is wrong. And when the film starts and I see Adrian Brody drop into the jungle from the sky, I already want to leave. Just like the advertisement before the film said, we’re trapped in the cinema.

 

Adrien Brody gets up and meets some other people. They are surrounded by trees and there’s nowhere to go.

 

The jungle in the film reminds me of Apocalypse Now. I remember having this exact feeling when I watched it for the first time on a film course back in university. Martin Sheen killing Brando in that dark, depressing jungle. But it was only one scene, and I never felt the urge to leave.

 

So why does this feeling hit me now? Is it that I might need to cough? Or am I just tired? I don’t know.

 

I try to watch the film again. But it’s still in the jungle and they don’t seem to be doing anything. Read the rest of this entry »

Coming Soon[ish]: Predators!

In Uncategorized on July 15, 2010 at 4:35 pm

Predators is out.

And it’s not shit. In fact, it’s pretty decent.

So Gupter Puncher’s gonna write some stuff about it. And hopefully it won’t just be me either.

We’ll see.

Oli