yearzerowriters

The Imaginarium[?] of Gupter Puncher[-uss]

In Gupter Puncher/Oli Johns on August 11, 2010 at 4:42 pm

 I am Ben Kingsley from Sexy Beast.

You’re gonna draw them, Sarah. You’re gonna do it. You’re gonna do it. Yes. Yes. You are. You’re gonna draw them. Why not? Why not? You’ve got no reason, why not? Do it. Do it. Do it. You’ve gotta do it, so you’re doing it. Yes. Yes. What? What’s that? Too busy at school? What school? You don’t go to school, you’re lying. You’re fucking lying to me. School work? Don’t fuck with me, Sarah, just draw ’em. Yes. You’re doing it. Get your pencil, you’re drawing ’em. You’re doing it. No? Yes. Yes. Yes. Stop pushing me, you’re-…No? Fuck you. Fuck you, you’re doing it. You’re fucking doing it. Don’t shake your head, you’re fucking doing it.

 

I am Matthew McConnaghey from Dazed and Confused.

The girl asked me what I was like before I came to Hong Kong. How do you mean, I said back. Like my character? Is that what you mean? And she said, yeah, like your character. Like, I don’t know, were you any good at sports? Were you a cool kid or a geek? And I shrugged, knowing the truth was a little different to the line I was about to choose, and said, I wouldn’t say geek, but I wouldn’t say cool. And I laughed. Which means I was cool by the way. And she laughed too. And the sports? Yeah, I was a sportsman. Pretty good with a ball at my feet. Were you a cheerleader? No, she said. Sorry. And I put my arm around her and said, hey, it’s no big deal. But it’d be cooler if you were.

 

I am Burke from Aliens.

The three of us walked up Broadway Hill, my hand in Charlie’s, and Maddog swerving drunk a few yards behind. It was near the end of the night and the only thing on my mind was if I really wanted to do anything with Charlie and if I did then how was I gonna get rid of Maddog.

But then two other guys came from the side, crossing the road and with nowhere else to go but right into us, and I hoped they were just drunk and would fall over at my feet, but they weren’t, they were angry, and the angrier one of the two put his face into my face, and said, ‘That’s my girlfriend, mate.’

Who? Charlie? I had no idea so I said nothing.

The guy pushed my shoulder.

‘What are you doing with my girlfriend, you fucking faggot?’

‘What?’

He pushed me again.

‘You fucking faggot.’

I said nothing else. Maddog said nothing. Charlie said nothing. What was happening here? I couldn’t fight this guy, not like this. Not here. Not with me. Help.

And then his mate said, ‘smack him, Wrighty. Fucking smack him,’ and Wrighty drew his face back a little and then pushed it forward, into my nose, and I wasn’t sure exactly, but I figured I’d just been headbutted.

I thought about hitting back, but I couldn’t. My hand was frozen, too frozen to even form a fist.

Everyone…all five of us…watched as I did nothing in response.

Then Wrighty walked away, back across the road, laughing, and the three of us were left with his mate, who we now saw was only, what? Five feet tall? A fucking midget, and as we walked up the hill and asked Charlie who that guy was, the midget screamed at us and kicked Maddog in the shins, and Charlie said she had no idea. And what about this guy? I asked her, pointing to the midget, but it was too late, he’d already gone.

 

I am Bette Davis from All About Eve.

Sure, you can write for my mag. Any topic you like, but try to make it film.

          Don’t worry, it was pretty good. I’ll post it next week.

                        You got anything else?

                                  I know a few people who might be able to help you. I can’t guarantee anything, but if you send me one of your longer pieces, I’ll give it to Dan.

                                             Okay, you’re in. Well done, man.

                                                        It’s not really a big deal, but you’re writing kinda like me.

                                                                    Seriously, man, I really feel like you’re moving away from your own voice with every new story. Try a different style?

                                                                                    I told you that idea in confidence, why the fuck did you write it? Your answer better be good. Real fucking good.

                                                                                                     We’ve gotta get him out, Dan. You can’t see it, but he’s poison. Unbelievable, sneaky fucking poison.

                                                                                                                        You’re publishing him? Over me? Are you fucking serious?

                                                                                                                                             It’s him or me, Dan. Make your choice.

                                                                                                                                                                       I hope you’re all fucking miserable together.

 

I am DeNiro from Raging Bull

INT: JAPANESE APARTMENT.

Two guys, Oli and Jay, play MarioKart in the living room.

No, seriously, man, I’m not accusing you of anything, I’m just saying, you always make an effort to be funny with her.

Don’t you?

Really?

No, but you do.

You do, I’ve seen it.

I see it every time we hang out.

No, it happens.

It’s not in my head, man.

I mean, I know you’re not after her.

It’s crazy.

You can’t be after her.

She’s my girlfriend.

It’s impossible.

But you do try hard around her.

No, you do.

But it is.

It is kinda like that.

Like you’re after her.

But I know you’re not after her.

No, I trust you.

Of course I do. You’re my best friend, why would you fuck me over?

But you do try hard around her.

You do.

I’ve seen it.

Why?

No, why do you do it, man?

Yeah, I know, but why?

What?

Examples?

Okay.

Off the top of my head.

You’re always funny around her. You’re always making jokes.

You want more?

I don’t know.

No.

But, it’s true.

I’ve seen you do it, man.

You always do it.

When? I just told you when.

It’s not in my head.

You do.

Really.

You do.

You do.

They both go silent for a while. On screen, they race along Koopa Beach and it looks like Oli is going to win until…Jay gets a mushroom and takes the shortcut through the cliff.

Oli checks his control pad. It’s not broken.

I know why you’re doing it.

I know why.

No, it’s-…

It’s not that.

It’s-…

Jay…

Let me-…

No, let me speak.

You’re not after her, okay, but…

No…

You’re not after her, I know that, but…

What?

No, it’s not.

It’s not in my head, man. I told you.

Listen.

Listen a sec…

Here’s what I-…

No, listen…

Listen a sec…

You listening?

Okay, here’s what I know.

You’re not after her, I know that, but…

Let me finish.

But…

Jay…let me finish…

You’re not after her but…

No, but you-…

You-…

Jay…

Listen.

You want her to want you.

Really.

You want her to want you.

Don’t you?

Don’t look shocked, you know it’s-…

Jay…

You know it’s-..

You know it’s true.

You want her to want you.

No, it makes sense.

It makes perfect sense.

You won’t do anything direct but…

No, don’t lie.

Don’t lie.

This is truth, man.

I’ve seen you doing it.

I’ve seen you.

What?

Are you serious?

Fuck off.

I’ve seen you.

No, that’s not-…

I’ve seen you.

It’s Bowser’s Castle and Oli’s in the lead with one lap to go. It seems as if Jay can’t catch up…

…but then Oli drives into one of those big grey blocks that fall from above. And then another one. And then a third one squashes him.

Jay flies past without hitting any, and wins. Oli screams ‘you big, grey fuck’ then hits the couch. A few seconds later and he’s calm again.

You do want her.

You do.

I’ve seen you.

You do.

Why are you telling all the jokes then?

Why is she always talking about you?

‘Where’s Jay? Where’s Jay?’

It’s all she says, man.

‘Where’s Jay?’

Fuck off, it’s you.

No, it’s you.

You know it’s you.

Why?

Why what?

I know I heard you, but-…

Why?

You mean…

Wait.

Shut up a minute.

You mean, why would you do it?

Is that it?

Yeah, I know that’s it. I was just-…

No, I was just-…

What?

No, I heard it.

Do I-…

Yeah, I got it.

Jay, I got it.

Do I know why?

Yeah, I do.

I do.

You wanna know why?

You really wanna know?

Fine.

But you already know it yourself, man.

Yes, you do.

Don’t lie.

Yes, you fucking do.

Really?

You sure you don’t know?

That’s your plea?

Because I know you do.

Yes.

Come on.

Yes, you fucking do.

No, but-…

You do.

And I’ll-…

No.

I’ll tell you.

Really, I’ll tell you.

No, I’ll say it.

I’ll tell you.

You’re a leech.

That’s right, you’re a leech.

Really.

I don’t give a shit, it’s true.

No, I’ve seen you.

Don’t lie, I’ve seen you.

I’ve seen you doing it.

When?

For ages.

For the last year.

Yeah, every time you turn up.

No, every-…

Every time you fucking appear.

Don’t lie about it.

Don’t lie.

Seriously, don’t lie.

It’s your kind of scheme, man. You know it’s your kind of-…

It is.

Fuck off.

No, really, fuck off.

I don’t care.

And you’re not that funny.

You know you’re not that funny.

It’s just an act.

I don’t care.

It’s that act you do.

No.

It is.

Really, I don’t care.

What?

I’m a what?

Really?

That’s your theory is it?

Right, I’m not secure.

Okay, man.

I’m not secure and it’s all in my head.

Nice one.

No, I don’t care.

Seriously.

I’m fine, she’s fine.

She’s my girlfriend and you’re-…

No…

And you can’t handle it.

You can’t handle it that I’ve got a pretty-…

What?

No, you can’t handle it that she’s pretty and she’s with me.

Really.

That’s it, man.

You know that’s it.

You know it.

They fall silent again as Toad, Bowser and Koopa Troopa race onto the podium to collect their trophies. Bowser [Jay] stands in first, towering over Toad [Oli], flaunting his trophy for all of Marioworld to see.

You’re not gonna pretend she’s not pretty, are you?

Who? Miho. Who else?

You know she is.

Come on.

She’s not pretty?

Really?

You’re really gonna sit there and say she’s not pretty?

You’re lying.

No, you’re lying.

Of course she’s pretty.

She is.

She’s very pretty.

Like a model.

Very, very-…

See, I told you.

A bit of honesty, at last.

I knew it.

What?

No, it does mean more.

It does.

You said she’s pretty.

And-…

No, I didn’t say that.

I didn’t.

Why are you saying that?

Me?

I didn’t imply anything.

I didn’t.

I was just-…

What?

Why would you-…why did you say that then?

Seriously…

Wait.

No, I know why.

Really.

No, you don’t have to.

I know why.

I’ve seen it before.

No, I’m not.

I didn’t.

Really.

Just say it, man.

Say it.

You know what.

Say it.

Go on.

Because I’ll say it if you-…

No, I’ll say it.

I’ll say it for you.

I’ll say it.

You want her don’t you?

You do.

You want her.

Admit it.

You do.

No, admit it.

Go on.

You want her.

Say it.

You’re jealous and you want her.

Say it.

Go on.

Don’t be weak now, man, say it.

Go on.

Don’t be a coward.

Don’t be a leech.

Say it.

Go on.

Go on.

Say it.

Don’t be weak, say it.

No?

What?

What’s that?

Man…

I’ll tell you why.

Because you’re a leech.

You lurk.

You do.

I don’t care.

You lurk and you manipulate…

You do.

You fucking lurk.

Like a leech.

See..

You can’t say it, can you?

Can you?

Jay turns away, but his face is caught in the reflection of the window, and Oli spots it.

Wait.

What’s that look for?

No, really.

That look you just-…

That one.

What are you-…

Oli looks at Jay’s face, trying to figure something out.

No.

No, you-…

Fuck off.

You haven’t.

No.

It’s-…

You wouldn’t…

You haven’t.

How-…

Wait.

Wait a second.

Jesus.

Jesus fucking-…

That face you did just-…

That’s-…

You have.

Jesus.

You fucking have, haven’t you?

Don’t lie to me.

No.

Don’t lie to me, Jay.

Seriously.

I don’t care.

Don’t try and-…

No.

Don’t.

Don’t.

I know it already.

I knew it.

I-…

You did.

You did, didn’t you?

You fucking leech.

No.

Don’t pretend, man.

Don’t try and-..don’t lie to me.

Just-…

No, shut up.

Shut up.

Tell me the truth.

No.

Say it.

I already know it, but-…

Shut up.

Shut your fucking mouth.

Say it.

No, say it.

I don’t care.

Shut up.

Say it.

Tell me the truth.

Say it.

Say it.

Don’t look over there, say it.

Say it.

Say it.

Go on.

Say it, you fucking leech.

Say it.

You fucked Miho.

Say it.

You fucked her, didn’t you?

You-…

Oli continues but the audience doesn’t.

I am Billy Bob Thornton from The Man Who Wasn’t There.

‘I’m sorry I’m busy in July. And August too,’ said the girl from Nanjing who liked books.

‘You can do anything to me, ‘ said the girl from Yuen Long who lived with her parents.

‘I don’t wanna go home, ‘said the girl from Tseun Wan who cut hair for a living. ‘You don’t want me to go home, do you?’

‘This is me in India,’ said the girl from Po Lam who put on make-up for a living. ‘And this is me also in India. And this one, that was…that was in India. This one, India. And India. And India. This one…ah, this one…I think…was somewhere in India.’

‘Your face looks like a triangle, ‘ said the girl from Yau Tong who still went to school.

‘Where are all your friends?’ asked the girl from Causeway Bay who had anxiety problems.

‘I don’t know Samel Jackson,’ said the girl from the boat trip who was a dumb drunk. ‘Is he a black?’

‘You don’t say much, do you?’ said the girl from Lok Fu who talked like a radio.

I am Ryan O Neal from Barry Lyndon

…I went to Liverpool and got mugged and went out and hid in lecture halls and seminar rooms, and each day it seemed more and more like my life was going nowhere…

…I went to Japan and my housemate died and I dated a flight attendant and broke my arm while arm wrestling and learnt a little Japanese and climbed Mt Fuji, and wondered what the fuck I was gonna do with my life after all this was done…

…I went to Egypt with Jay and saw the pyramids and got lost in Cairo and nearly got smacked by a kid on a camel and got real sick in Alexandria and ended up on a shitty boat watching some shitty belly dancing and thinking, what next, huh?

…I went to Italy and got kicked out of my sister’s house by my demon sister and went back to Rome and walked the very cold streets for eight days and grew a beard and stood on a bridge and told myself not to jump but to turn it around and have a good time instead, and I didn’t, I couldn’t, I stood on that same bridge for seven more nights and told myself the same thing, and then Jay came and things were a little better, but still, I thought, why couldn’t I have a good time?

…I went to Hong Kong and went out and dated a girl called oggy who liked to tapdance and I wrote a short film that won a competition and then I…

…went to LA where I was supposed to take on and force myself into the film industry, but I never did because I had no balls, and instead I walked around and saw Koreatown and a Japanese cult and climbed through the window into John Fante’s old bedroom which was now derelict and used by junkies, and I shrugged and…

…went back to Hong Kong and went out some more and dated a Chinese-Australian girl four times before she gave up on me and I found out she was fucking the guy from ‘Regurgitator’ anyway, and pretty soon after that happened I lost my mind, and walked around like that for almost two years, thinking only about myself and how I could get out of this, and then I…

I am Tony Leung from 2046

[Written on a napkin, in a restaurant in Hong Kong, 2010]

‘To my past,

I’ve tried very very hard to make a present that might be as good as you, but I can’t. I’ve tried even harder to think of a future where things might be as good as you, but I can’t.

I don’t know where you are exactly, and I don’t know which part of you it is I miss the most, but it’s something…some part.

Please come back. Forgive me.

Oli’

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