Bosnian pr*gnant rape Angel**a zombies with guns!

In Marc Horne on October 18, 2010 at 4:33 pm

Many of the women around here – in fact, most – look a lot like happy pigs in lady clothes and gold jewels who know how to do that ballet walk, that fancy walk where you kind of hang your leg out in front of you before you put it down. There are black ones, white ones and brown ones but the one thing that they all have in common is the succulent plumpness of their calves.

These are among the things I have noticed while hanging out in this scratchy little abandoned lot waiting for people to get their zombie makeup put on. I kick a little stone at the sign that says Hollywood Production Company.

“How much you think they paying for this lot? Who would pay to film in an abandoned lot? The like…economics of this shoot are… They are decadent. And by extension… y’know.”

We don’t have any of those plump ladies with their little bags of lunch here on this lot. This lot is post-apocalypse, man. The plumpies got eaten on day one. Or hid out until they looked ragged and wild. With no food, shaking scared: I bet they could practically watch themselves shrink. Thousands of dollars of takeout food sweating out on the floor.

We are all bony now. I’m not a zombie, I am a priest. But when I got here, I had been cast as a zombie. That’s how this director thinks – I got Inside his mind now, see. The priest or the zombie: it’s all just a coin toss to this character.

I check with the P.A.: I may go and piss. The portapotty is – look, I am no elitist…I tried it once. They say it’s a wise man who climbs Mount Fuji, but a fool who climbs it twice.

So I cross the street and head into the Korean tofu place. This place is way clean. Generally speaking, I don’t like to eat in a place that is too clean. There is like this limited pool of money, right. And every dollar spent on bleach, soap etc. is not spent on the food. Again, basic economics, simple balance.

This is what I am bringing to the table.

The greeter is an attack dog. She’s all “Anyong haseyo. What you want?”

I point back to the men’s room. She gives me the look that when you see it, you get why the Korean War is entering its sixth decade. And this to a priest even.

The look doesn’t work on a professional actor. We are immune to a lot of stuff. It’s because we are not really here. We are either filming you with our eyes, or we are running through our roles in our heads. We are not really thinking too much about the ethics of your crapper.

Anyway, it’s over in a heartbeat. When I am on a shoot I avoid the luxury poops. As I slip out, I am trying to download what is coming out of the TV on the wall that is showing the local news. I’m seeing Angelina Jolie and the picture of her face is not quite right. See, it is half ‘Angel of the poor’ and half ‘Hollywood hardball.’ (It has been so long since she rocked the ‘blood drunk whore’)

This little lady is…is she trying to block me or something? I should probably give her a tip at least. What’s 20% of nothing? Oh yeah…’Screw you!’

Ok, I am out now, crossing. Won’t be going back in there again. You only get one chance to cross an old bat like that and you have to move fast to get even that.

So what was that story all about. They wouldn’t let her make her movie in Bosnia because it was about a Bosnian Serbian woman who was raped by a Muslim? Or maybe she was the Muslim? Is Bosnian Serb like a contradiction, like a Muslim Jew? When I left school I felt like I knew most of the things I needed to know. Now I can’t even keep up with my industry because I guess all the good movies have already been made. But I guess that if Angelina wants to make this movie…and I am guessing that they fall in love… maybe this will maybe be a healing thing.

They load me up with explosive charges and then they shoot me to the ground. Been a long time since I was shot. Used to hurt. They got better, or I got tougher, or I got numb-er.

Wait, WTF. Zombies with guns? Bosnian pregnant rape Angelina zombies with guns.

This is why I will never have a speaking part. It’s too late for me.

  1. My list for the pictures of priests on film:

    Father Ted.
    Leslie Nielson in that Exorcist parody.
    Priest from Braindead.
    Robbie Coltrane [Nuns on the run]
    The bad guy from Godfather 3

    Couldn’t decide so I went for bloody hallway in Braindead.

    Some decent lines in this. Korean War one is the best.


  2. […] but I also wanted to let you know that my first story from last week in Los Angeles is now up at Gupter Puncher magazine… a touching tale of how one man deals with zombies and Angelina Jolie, based on my too-short […]

  3. Yeah, that is the most decent line.

  4. […] a piece about everything I saw that morning. I don’t really know why it didn’t work. It’s on Gupter, but I pulled it of Year Zero about an hour after I posted it there. I guess there is nothing […]

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