yearzerowriters

Archive for the ‘Gupter Puncher/Oli Johns’ Category

The Year of living Camus[ly]

In Gupter Puncher/Oli Johns on August 8, 2010 at 3:23 am

I’ve already posted this one here:

http://yearzerowriters.wordpress.com/2010/08/06/the-year-of-living-camusly/

…and it seems to be quite active there so I won’t bother posting it twice.

If you like or love Camus, go!

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Predators Vs the Cowardly [100% SPOILERS]

In Gupter Puncher/Oli Johns on July 20, 2010 at 12:51 pm

 

[NOTE: This is very, very long, covering the whole film pretty much. Maybe take a break after the Laurence Fishburne part?] 

I don’t really know how I know this part, but…

 

Adrien Brody wakes up falling through sky. There’s no time to think of where he is or how he got there, because pretty soon he’s gonna hit the ground. Lucky for him, the button on his belt which looks a little like the Thundercats’ badge, lights up and, bam, he’s got a chute.

 

But, bam, the chute is a piece of shit, and he hits the jungle floor hard. No broken bones though, as he gets up and looks around and pretty soon he meets Danny Trejo.

 

Then the Russian guy.

 

Then five more, most with some sort of gun.

 

And then me.

 

***************************************

 

I wake up falling, and close my eyes again. It’s a dream. But it’s cold on my face, and it feels like I’m actually, honestly, falling through the air, so I open my eyes again and see the jungle coming towards me, and somehow I can think a little more clearly than Brody, and all I can think of are repeated scenes of my body hitting the ground and-…

I try to close my eyes again, but I can’t stop looking at the top of all those canopies, and for a moment I think, fuck, a canopy…a load of canopies…maybe it’ll be like landing on a cushion? But then I picture the branches and the ground, and even if it is jungle ground, with soil and no concrete, it’s still gonna work the same way as regular ground…

Then my button lights up and the chute opens, and I drift into one of the canopies and hit the ground on my back, but, hey, same as Brody and the rest of them, nothing broken. Read the rest of this entry »

Me and Bukowski [Inc. ‘So you want to be a writer?’ by Bukowski]

In Gupter Puncher/Oli Johns on June 30, 2010 at 1:16 pm

 

if it doesn’t come bursting out of you

in spite of everything,

don’t do it.

unless it comes unasked out of your

heart and your mind and your mouth

and your gut,

don’t do it.

if you have to sit for hours

staring at your computer screen

or hunched over your

typewriter

searching for words,

don’t do it.

if you’re doing it for money or

fame,

don’t do it.

if you’re doing it because you want

women in your bed,

don’t do it.

if you have to sit there and

rewrite it again and again,

don’t do it.

if it’s hard work just thinking about doing it,

don’t do it.

if you’re trying to write like somebody

else,

forget about it. Read the rest of this entry »

The A-TEAM and the end of everything [WARNING: SPOILERS]

In Gupter Puncher/Oli Johns on June 24, 2010 at 2:21 pm

There’s a list that will be the end of everything.

Ten specific questions made by someone unknown which when asked will do the thing I just said above.

Some people suspect it was made by China. Some believe it doesn’t exist. Yaphet Kotto believes it was aliens. Or the alien.

But, wherever it came from, it is real.

Joe Carnahan first heard about it after the test screening of the A-Team movie in Pasadena. He got back home and there was a message on his machine.

‘Questions are coming. Run for life.’

But he didn’t run. He’d finished the film and was pretty happy with what he’d done, and the Pasadenans seemed pretty happy too. And how bad could these questions be anyway?

 __________________________

Bradley Cooper was at the junket trying not to eat pizza.

It wasn’t easy. Every room he went into, every interview, the guy asking the questions would offer pizza. As if they couldn’t stand the idea of him having abs. Which they couldn’t. He knew that well because he’d tried to offer pizza to Mark Wahlberg one time, when he had abs. But…Wahlberg, man, he was like a monk with his body. An ascetic to a fucking annoying degree, didn’t he ever-… Read the rest of this entry »

Nihongo wo hanasenai [I can’t speak Japanese]

In Gupter Puncher/Oli Johns on June 12, 2010 at 2:28 pm

The first eighteen years of his life, Oli never learnt a language.

There was French in high school, but that was accidental. Or not accidental, mandatory, but that wasn’t really it.

He never understood why he had to learn another language. He had a friend and a sister who learnt the grammar and the perfect and the irregulars, but he couldn’t ever imagine doing that.

The French teacher said one time, ‘the key is…to think in French.’

His sister said one time, ‘You’re stupid if you can’t do it.’

His friend said one time, ‘I wanna fuck a French girl.’

And there was German too, but that was cold. Way too cold for him. Yet, he thought later, there are, what, seventy million people in Germany who feel comfortable using these words.

But at the time, in those first eighteen years, he couldn’t understand how to do it. And he did wonder sometimes if he was stupid. And then counter-wonder if other people like his sister and his friend wanted him to think he was stupid. And most times, the counter wonder was dominant. Read the rest of this entry »

Greenberg – FILM REVIEW [By Mark Kermode & Simon Mayo]

In Gupter Puncher/Oli Johns on June 3, 2010 at 2:39 pm

A BBC radio studio, Mayo at the helm, Kermode sitting opposite.

Simon: Okay, we’re gonna leave Colin with the lovely…er, the lovely Mei Sawai…and move right onto the films of the week…and-…

Mark: You’re gonna leave him?

Simon: …apologies for being late with-…yeah, who? Colin?

Mark: You’re actually gonna leave him with…

Mark points at a space in the studio.

Simon: What?

Mark: You’re leaving him with…you said you were leaving him with…whats-her-name?

Simon: Mei Sawai.

Mark. Yes. Mei Sawai, the…the Japanese adult-…

Simon: The adult video star.

Mark: Exactly. Read the rest of this entry »

You’ll get bored of me – A SHORT FILM SCRIPT

In Gupter Puncher/Oli Johns on May 28, 2010 at 1:02 pm

 

 

                                                    You’ll get bored of me 

                                                    A SHORT FILM SCRIPT

 

Written by: Oli Johns/ Ethan Hawke

Director: Er…me. Or my mate, Elissa. Or the security guard in my building, he’s a decent guy.

Starring: A man and a woman. The streets of HK. Martin L*wrence!

Producer: Don’t need one.

Executive Producer: Peter O Toole

Soundtrack by: The guy who did ‘Sunshine’

Crew: ??

Caterer: Someone’s mum

Bag lady: Judi Dench Read the rest of this entry »

Gupter Issue 6 [Preview]

In Gupter Puncher/Oli Johns on May 14, 2010 at 2:19 pm

             Gupter Puncher Issue 6                     

I said I wouldn’t do another issue for a while, but I was bored in April so I wrote another. This one is the beat issue.

You’ll know what I mean when you see it.

And if you don’t see it then I’ll tell you now.

It means there are pictures of lots of beat writers, like Kerouac, Cassady, Burroughs [He holds a gun in most of his pics, sometimes pointing it at a dog] and Ginsberg.

If you don’t know any of these guys, or you only know Kerouac, then don’t panic. I have also included Casey Affleck.

If you don’t like Affleck then you’re fucked.

Unless you like Tom Cruise or cabinets, as I’ve put in the story ‘The many cabinets of Tom Cruise.’ Well, most of it. See, Mr. Cruise somehow found out about the story and has forced me to redact a lot of the text. But there’s still some quality there.

What else? Read the rest of this entry »

The four worlds of Evelyn Wong

In Gupter Puncher/Oli Johns on May 6, 2010 at 12:19 pm

 Beauty

[Note: The formatting for this didn’t work. The bold italic sections should be very far to the right. And the rest of it should look a lot different, but I don’t know how to fix it. The only thing that’s right is the actual story.]

I get to work at the same time as every other Monday. I walk the same route, round the side of Jordan road and buy the same shit from the same bakery. Pizza cake and sausage roll. Looking at them makes me feel sick. Seeing the bakery lady looking at them makes me even sicker. The walk to the school is ten minutes and it’s humid. I sit down and eat the pizza shit. I can’t remember last week, or the taste of last weeks shit, but I’m pretty sure this is just as bad. I write notes in my notepad and try not to look at the walls or the door or the class going on next door. Fuck. Why does no one pretty work here? Five minutes to the bell and one of the older teachers comes in and says she’s sorry to disturb me. I tell her I’m kinda busy. She sits down anyway. The first student of mine is a prick. A three year old prick. No, he isn’t a prick, but he isn’t listening to me. I say his name five times before I get an answer. He can’t write his name. He can’t count. He can’t do much of anything except say ‘goo-goo-da-da.’ I taught him that. Read the rest of this entry »

Charcoal [an excerpt]

In Gupter Puncher/Oli Johns on April 18, 2010 at 1:57 pm

Chuck

[This is the first 11 pages of my new novel. It’s a lonely piece, but hopefully not miserable. If it is miserable then just stop reading and click onto something else. Tomomi at the HK film festival maybe? If you get to the end and like it, please write a comment and tell me why. If you think it’s shit, tell me why. Thanks.]

Why Peter O’ Toole let go. Why Bodhi went back into the storm…

I watch Michael Portillo fake-dying on TV.

It’s almost 2am and he’s trying to find the perfect way to execute prisoners.

My housemate is asleep, and I don’t have to work until late the next day, so I stay up and stretch out on the couch and focus on the screen.

 ____________

For a few weeks, I’ve been interested in suicide.

Not for myself, but the idea of it.

At least I don’t think it’s for myself.

But it would be nice to know there’s a way…that there’s a way to do it, if things really were that bad.

Something non violent, non painful.

Some kind of gas, maybe? Read the rest of this entry »