Issue 2

The Cool Surface  *****

Both Teri Hatcher and Robert ‘T-1000’ Patrick get their tits out, and the only surprising thing is that Hatcher’s sag like there’s no tomorrow. Very disappointing, as is the fact that there’s no tits and sex in the same shot. Although if you stick with it to the end, you’ll see a nice twist when he kills her and puts her in his bag.


Hudson Hawk*****

Everyone else hates this one, but I kinda like it, not sure why. Maybe because it’s a big film, with about ten main bad guys, and you’re curious how each of them is gonna die. Can each death be unique? Not all, but most are pretty good. Richard E Grant’s is weak, but the old guy on the limo and the butler with the long knives get good send offs.

The Graduate  *****

      Dustin Hoffman is so amazingly awkward in this, you can feel the sweat that must be all over him under that suit. The ending is great too…people tell me it’s happy and rebellious, and it is, but ask yourself why the director lingers so long on their faces on the bus at the end…look how their faces change…how she looks at him and he stares straight ahead. Rebellion, but no revolution, comrade…

The Consequences of Love  *****

      An Italian guy stays in a hotel and says nothing the entire film. He meets a waitress and injects heroin. There’s a reason why he doesn’t leave the hotel. And there’s a sadness as, late in the film, he walks through another hotel in Napoli, past dozens of armed mafia men, towards his doom. The director, Paolo Sorrentino, just made the equally great ‘Il Divo’ and will hopefully not pick up when Hollywood rings.


Grosse Pointe Blank/ War Inc.  *****/*****

Two films, one good, one fucking awful. You know which is which, right? If not, watch ‘GPB’ and listen up. The dialogue is gold, the best bit when John Cusack goes with Jeremy Piven (Ari from ‘Entourage’) to sell a house, and he starts borrowing lines from ‘Death of a Salesman’. I don’t want to over-interpret, but never has a film better shown a lack of real identity in its main character. And then there’s the fight in the school corridor, with the ghoulface assassin. You can actually see Cusack sweating, like all action heroes should if they’re fighting for their lives.

      Then we have ‘War, Inc.’ which, apart from a fight around the hour mark which copies the intensity of the one from ‘GPB’, is a turd of a film, really. A satire as well, private industry is organizing wars and-..I can’t be bothered writing any more, it’s shit. John, come on…control, you must learn control.


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