Issue 3

Young Guns  ****

‘Reap it Murphy, you sonofabitch.’

Emilio Estevez looks like a kid and does a decent job of being unpredictable, and it’s a good thing he’s tiny as he can fit into the trunk that gets thrown out the window at the end. Seriously, is that really possible? That trunk lands hard. Anyway, the best parts are in the first hour or so when Charlie Sheen and Estevez are battling for control of the gang, but then the film wimps out and lets some fat guy on the shitter shoot a ridiculously curious Sheen in the guts. And when shot, why does he react like a broom’s just been shoved up his ass? I’ve never seen anyone shot for real, but is that really what happens? Special mention for the end too, although I dislike the way Charlie [not Sheen] gets shot to pieces and no one seems to give a shit. And how does Chevez sneak out of the house to get the horses?

Henry Fool ****

Hal Hartley was either a pretentious cock before he made this, or he was boxed into a corner and came out swinging that way after it was praised. Either way, the film doesn’t suffer much for it, in fact, it’s lifted as the main character aims to develop himself into a famous writer. Actually, he tells the family he stays with in the film that he already is. And as we all know, anyone who calls themselves an artist, without anything to back it up, is a pretentious cock. [Note: that probably makes no sense as a through line – this film is good, Hartley has the art to back it up. But he’s still a cock.]


Blackbeard  **

I think this was a TV serial as it went on forever and had Angus MacFaddyn as Blackbeard, a sure sign you won’t be seeing this in a cinema. It was watchable, and MacFaddyn sure drank a lot…actually, he was a huge man in this, which is what a pirate would likely have been back in the day, so credit to him for sensualising. But two things bugged me: The black slave not given any lines, and the way the hero, Lieutenant Maynard, had a waxy face. Also, when he fights MacFaddyn at the end, he shoots him after being beaten in a fair sword fight. And almost none of the other pirate characters are given good death scenes, they just seem to fall over and die. Disappointing.

Vacas  ****

I’ve been meaning to promote Julio Medem’s films for a while now, but every issue I remember a piece of shit film that gets written up first. Well, Julio, Gupter Puncher is about to give you two more fans. It’s a Spanish film, the plot showing two rival families living in a field near each other, arguing, fighting and scheming through sixty years and three generations. It starts with a young man pretending to be dead and ends with his grandson, in the Spanish Civil War, standing up to Franco’s men. Between that you’ve got the young man growing into the Granddad and trying to live with his act of cowardice, and trying to stop the other family, the nastier family with a nastier granddad, finding out about it. Medem keeps the two families isolated quite well, and shoots the nastier family’s farmhouse in shadow so you know that the granddad’s a cock. Seems basic, but that’s just the tip of it, as each farmhouse changes over the years, each scene focusing on a different aspect or room of the house. And if arty shots ain’t your thing then there’s a sex scene in the barn and a tense chop-off as the two families race each other to cut the most trees.


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