Nikolai Stavrogin


[Issue 1]

Journey to the end of the night…in HONG KONG.

[Каждое время вы идете вне в Гонконг вы встречаете клоуна. Так не пойдите вне.]


The last week, what have I done?

Today is a Thursday. Ladies night somewhere, I think. That Beijing Club sent me another message earlier, telling me that the drinks would be cheaper for women from now on. I’ve never been to that place. I wonder if the women would be dumb enough to fuck me. Probably not…

But anyway, I should be writing something. The last week…hmm…

I know that I stayed in last night and the night before. I remember because I watched ‘Die Hard 2’ on DVD…I had missed it last Friday when it was on TV. I still can’t believe that shit happened to him twice, can you? It’s was kinda cool when he blew up the plane though. Even my pet turtle came out of its shell to watch that one scene.

The night before…I know I was in then because…what was it…that thing was on. ‘House’, that’s it. I watched ‘House’ then I downloaded some more episodes and watched them too. Hugh Laurie is a funny guy. Maybe too funny though…is anyone that fast in real life? And why is Omar Epps leaving? I thought he’d be clinging onto that show by the ankles. I mean, what else has he got?

Monday night I went to Dundas Street and watched the whores. They seem to be getting uglier. Or maybe I’m just watching movies with prettier whores. Whatever, nothing really happened that night. Didn’t have enough money to go up and fuck one of them, so I just stayed in one of those little parks.

Sunday night, nothing happened. No one called. I checked the last message on my phone just now and it came over a week ago. Krist, a fucking week! I need to meet some more people. Decent people though.

Saturday night…ah! That was a big one. Everyone was going out and there was that big plan to start in Phonograph in TST then take the train over to the island and stand outside the 7-11s up near SOHO. After that, we’d try and smash into the island fuckers and start something, and after that maybe head to a club and try and pick up something for the night. If not, we’d go back over to Dundas or Prince Edward and pay for it. We didn’t do that though. They did, but not me. I cancelled, didn’t I? Why did I do that? I can’t remember…

I stayed in and watched that film…what was it…’Superman 3’? The one where Ricky Pryor goes skiing off the skyscraper and doesn’t die. Yes. No, it wasn’t, that was the week before. What did I watch last Saturday?

‘The Haunted Mansion’?

Krist, I can’t remember anything. I think it was ‘SWAT’ with that Colin Farrell guy. I heard he tried to fuck some old film star while he was making that. Seventy years old, something like that. He’s a dirty boy, that Farrell. I reckon we’d be good friends if he lived here. We could go over to Dundas together and fuck in the same room, like I saw him do with that other guy in that soldier movie. Then after, we could watch ‘SWAT’.

I wonder what’s on TV this Saturday…

[Русские проститутки в каждой стране мира.]

[Issue 2]

It’s been a bit different, this week. Not like last week at all. I guess it all happened because the editor of this mag wanted me to be more focused. He said I stayed in too much last issue so I needed to get active.

But before all that, I do have to mention Thursday night when that ‘Supernatural’ thing was on. I never used to pay much attention to it to be honest. I mean, it was just two guys, wasn’t it? And they always talked about the demons when one of them was coming out of the shower with his shirt off. Not that they weren’t built, but it always seemed a little fake to me.

Anyway, the one they had on this week had the taller guy tied up in some basement, and there was another guy tied up opposite him. It was kinda dark down there, and there was this psycho guy who came in and stuck a little metal stick thing in the other guy’s neck. It was strange, it actually came right through and you saw the tip of the metal with blood and gore on it. Last time I saw that was Kev Bacon and the arrow in Friday 13th. Bit of a shock, I guess…

Ok, the rest of the week. The active parts…

So, when was it? Tuesday, yeah, I went online and I found this website that one of my friends told me about. He’s a dirty bastard, way dirtier than me, and he said there was this site where you could see a list of all the whores in Hong Kong, and the list would tell you where you could find them. And he was right, I searched for it and there it was, on my screen, some Chinese girl with tits popping out of one of those Budweiser dresses.

So, I clicked through some pics and they all seemed to be pretty much the same…big tits, beds with no sheets, bare-walled apartments, blurred faces – this pissed me off a bit, but you could still see the general design of their faces so I could pretty much tell if they were decent or not. Most of them weren’t, but I found one and after getting the address I went over to have a look.

This was new to me. I mean, I’ve been around whores for the last few years or so, but usually there’s some ugly patron woman bringing the girls out and taking care of me, but with this one you had to go up to the apartment and knock on the door yourself. It seemed a little daunting to me, but up I went, brave as Lion-o.

So the door opened and there’s a woman who looked about thirty years older than the picture I had just seen on my computer. What the fuck? I wasn’t happy, she was probably the ugliest whore I’d seen, but I went in there anyway and got the job done. And I guess she had some skills, especially when she-…[redacted].

After, I tidied myself up, paid her and got out of there as fast as I could, and then I headed home, which was only ten minutes away. Fantastic. No train ride, no thinking about how shitty it all was, just home and on to the next one, a prettier one hopefully.

I got back on the computer and had another look at the crone-whore’s picture, and I shook my head when I saw how untrue it all was…and then my friend called me and asked me if I’d tried it, and I told him I had, and then he asked me how many doors I had tried.


He then went on to tell me that you could knock on as many doors as you liked before choosing.


“Yeah,” he said. “You’ve got all the power. They just have to stand there and be appraised.”

Fucking hindsight, huh?

[Русские проститутки в каждой стране мира.]

[Issue 3]

Zoosk. Myspace. Adult friend finder.

Oli told me to write those names first. He told me it would be like a launchpad, teasing the reader into going on into the column. I guess it might work, I don’t know. I don’t really know how to write, so I just did what he said.

Anyway, this week I was checking them out, those kinds of sites. I thought it was getting kinda dull going to the whores all the time, and I guess maybe I found some self-respect too. Not too much, but enough to make me think that maybe I shouldn’t be paying for it all the time.

So, out of all of them, I guess I hit Zoosk the most. And I can’t say I wrote the greatest messages ever as that heroes programme was on TV while I was typing. It was the last episode, I think, and I’m not sure which season it was, but it was the one where the guy with the funny mouth and all the best powers was helping the guy who couldn’t die get into some vault somewhere. I don’t know what the guy wanted, but he seemed to be smirking a lot, and I thought, wow, he must have some hidden power if he’s pulling faces like that. Ten minutes later and the little Japanese guy is taking him and putting him in a coffin somewhere, and the guy does nothing. I don’t know, it just seemed a bit shit. What if that guy with one eyebrow found him, then what? He’d just stand there like a punchbag?

OK, I probably wrote too much there…I know I always get sidetracked by TV, but I can’t help it, it’s what I like. And I can show restraint. It’s not like I write the whole column about it, and I was gonna write something on that ‘Castle’ programme, but I’m not. Well, just one thing, quickly…that trailer for it, where he takes the gun off that other guy and wiggles his head whenever anyone speaks to him. What the hell is he saying in that? I watched it over fifty times, I reckon, and I can’t understand a word of it. Is he American? Does he have a throat?

There I’m done, back to Zoosk.

I’ll explain a little…it’s a dating site and you search through photos of average looking women until you see one you think you might be able to fuck without turning the lights off. Then you send “wink, wink” and if you’re lucky they message back and say they wanna fuck you too.

But, I don’t know, I’m still not convinced. It’s a bit indirect for me. I’m used to meeting women and being led to the shower. There’s no talk, it’s just ‘here’s what I got, let’s go to work.’

Anyway, I did try the others…myspace, Adult friend-finder…but they were like the two extremes. One was tame and full of princesses, the other was full of women without heads shoving their muff into a camera phone. I really don’t get it, why are they showing me that? I fuck under a blanket, I lick with my eyes closed, I’m not a biologist. Put your fucking knickers on.

So, I did meet one girl from Zoosk. I talked to her once on MSN and then she agreed to meet me in that big shopping place in Kowloon Tong. So far, so easy…

I got there late and she’s waiting outside the coffee shop, and honestly, she looked kinda like a librarian, but I was there so we went in and talked for a while. As we were sitting on the couch I started touching her leg and her shoulders, just to see if there’s any chance of a fuck that night, and lo and behold, she put her hand on my thigh. So, back to my place, and maybe three hours later she’s riding me on the couch, facing away from me like all the girls do with the movie star on ‘Entourage’. But, even though it was kinda inevitable, it still took six hours total to get her on my cock. And the morning after, she wouldn’t leave. She wanted to have lunch.

Krist, it’d never happen with a whore.

[Issue 4]

I went to a bar last week. Or I went to a couple of bars, I suppose.

I’m not sure, is that teasing enough? Oli said the way I did the intro last time was decent, but I’m not sure if I’ve got the hang of it yet. I don’t know, I guess he’ll edit it out if it’s wrong.

So, I went to the bars. Normally I don’t go anywhere, unless it’s near Dundas or if I can’t sleep and I know there’s a walk-up nearby. But recently I’ve been feeling a little out of whack with the world. I don’t know, I probably can’t explain it very well, but I had the idea that the world is like something, and I’m like something else. Does that make sense? I don’t know, maybe it doesn’t, but that’s what I’ve been feeling, and it was at its worst about two weeks ago, so that’s when I made the decision. Go to a bar.

I say that, but to be honest, I didn’t go to the bar right away. There were a few nights where I couldn’t move from the couch. You ever feel like that? I don’t know, I feel it quite a lot, I guess. I just feel like it’s easier to watch whatever’s on TV or if I’m feeling really bad just to go see a whore and get it out of my system. But like I said last issue, I’m trying to stay off the whores at the moment. I’m not sure, but I think they might be bad for me, so I’m staying away.

But anyway, before I realized I should go to a bar, I thought I’d just sit on the couch a while longer. It didn’t matter that I’d been sitting there for the last six months, that wasn’t important. What mattered was doing what I was comfortable with. And I’m comfortable in front of the TV.

I don’t know, is any of this making sense? I guess I might be rambling a bit here, but if it’s really that shit then Oli will get rid of it.

So, on the couch, or on the TV, there was that Jack Bauer programme, you know, 24, and Bauer was torturing some guy in a stairwell. I don’t know why he was doing it, but he sounded serious so he probably had a good reason, and the guy, he was lying on the floor, so Bauer leans in and tells him he’s gonna kill his kid. The guy looks a bit shocked, and I could see he was trying to look into Bauer’s eyes to see if he was telling the truth, you know, would he really kill my kid? I don’t think Bauer would, but you never know. I mean, it’s the sixth or seventh season now, and after a while they run out of things for Bauer to do so they make him do something really nasty.

But Bauer doesn’t do it. The guy gives him information and then Bauer looks around, and I’m thinking, he’s got to go somewhere else now, and he can’t take this guy with him, so he’s gonna have to kill him. But the guy hasn’t done anything, so what can he do? I guess I was kinda hoping Bauer would kill him in cold blood, but he doesn’t. The guy pulls a knife and Bauer kills him in warm blood, or hot blood. Is that a phrase?

Anyway, the bar. I can’t remember the name of the place, but it was in Tsim Sha Tsui, in some shitty street with a Budweiser bar, and there was this one bar that I found that seemed quite classy. I don’t know, I’m not an interior anything, designer or whatever you call them, but they had some nice couches and the manager was friendly. She was reading some book in Chinese when I walked in, something by Simone DeBeauvoir, she said. I didn’t know who she was, but I nodded, sat down, and thought, I could probably take her home later. Fuck her on the couch, let her stay the night even. Beats fucking a whore.

So, later comes along, and the manager starts kissing some guy at the bar, right in front of me. Bitch. I get up, even though the couch was first class, and I walk out and round the corner and I go to the shittiest bar I can find. Then an hour later, when no other girls seem interested, I pay the bill and go home.

I don’t know, probably not much of a story.

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