yearzerowriters

Tomomi Leung – Movieland

 Slut.

Dreamer.

Pragmatist.

This is what Tomomi’s done for GUPTER PUNCHER in the last three issues:

[Issue 2]

After last issues Oscar special I’ve decided to focus on the shit they’re putting out this summer, instead of the shit they’re saving for the autumn. [Ed – and it is shit really, isn’t it?]           

 

So, I’ll pretty much just be going through the motions this month and see what’s generally going on. Honestly, I’ve kinda got other things going on right now, in my life I mean, and I barely have time to write anything…and it’s not like Oli pays me for this. I still have to su-…wait tables like every other actress who is shi-…hasn’t got their break yet. And I’m Japanese, which is a bit of a bitch actually…no one wants Japanese, they want Chinese, even for movies set in Japan. What’s with that, really? I mean, it’s not like any of those dummies in Texas or wherever know what I am anyway-…they don’t even know what Lucy Liu is! Krist, Lucy fucking Liu! She’s like a human blockade on all of us, even though she’s a midget. Did you see that long shot in Charlie’s Angels? John Cleese could’ve put her in his pocket, that’s how tiny she is. I mean, c’mon…grrr…that’s one person I’ll never write about, I swear it. She’s been kicked down to TV now anyway…soon she’ll be in oblivion like Tia Carrere.

Ok, work stuff…

 

WOLVERINE

 

It looks like someone fucked up here as Fox’s big summer tent pole got leaked all over the net last week. Well, it’s probably last month by the time you read this…Oli said you guys are behind over there. My hunch is that this is all a big con. Think about it: Fox are worried that no one’s noticing their WOLVERINE sitting coyly in the corner, so what do they do? They get an early cut of the film, leak it and turn it into a dancing bear. Then they get some lackey to review it and say it’s actually pretty good, even though they know that cut of the film is shit. Next, they go on camera and say how hurt they are and that this is a matter of integrity and ethics (is it ethical or moral? I can’t remember which is which…I know Matthew Broderick explained it in one of his films one time, but I didn’t get the answer.) Perhaps they’ll get Hugh Jackman to say something too. He’s a bit of a hack, isn’t he? Good job at the Oscars, I guess, but he turns up in any old shit, really. Consider: Van Helsing, Australia, X-men 3, Kate and Leopold…the guy’s really running without a filter there. But he’ll still speak up for Fox and for his career about this WOLVERINE thing. And maybe Live Schreiber too. Actually, would he? He seems too snobbish to get involved, but he did do ‘The Omen’, so who knows? Anyways, they’ll all explain that it was an early cut that was leaked and that there have been re-shoots, and this is true, there have been, very expensive ones too, and the real cut of the film will be very different, even better than the review (by their lackey) suggested. Result: Publicity for a film that no one knew existed a month ago. What do you think, am I on the money here?

 

PUBLIC ENEMIES

 

Word is Michael Mann has lost it. And Johnny Depp is awful as Dillinger. If you don’t know what this is, it’s the gangster flick from the director of ‘Heat’ and ‘Miami Vice’…which let Gong Li jump right to the front of the queue, thanks very much Mann, you prick…but I don’t hold grudges. I like his films and I wanted this to be good, but one person who caught an early screening had this to say:

“It’s shit, don’t watch it.”

This leads me to believe that Mann is in real trouble with this one. I mean, it’s common knowledge he’s a perfectionist, but the film took an age to shoot, and the cast were called back for a lot of re-shoots, which is never a good sign, so all in all, it looks like he’s made a turd. And, if you didn’t know, Christian Bale is in this too, and you probably didn’t know because he’s playing yet another dedicated, dull-as-shit agent type guy. I mean, why does he do it? Did he get into this business to disappear on screen? Does he look at himself and think, ‘grey, grey, grey’? I hope to God he’s not like that in person, although I heard he slapped his mum about last year, not sure if that was true or not.

 

GRUDGE 4

 

I probably shouldn’t mention this at all as it’s heading straight to DVD, but I thought I’d slip in a bit of self-promotion…it is my column after all, and it’s not like people don’t know the name. So yes, I got a role in it. Not the lead obviously, that has to be taken by a WASP, but as they’re all set in Japan they’ve gotta have some Japanese faces in there, so there I will be. I just shot my scenes last week actually…well, scene. Basically, I take a shower and the little kid turns off the light and watches me soap myself. Then he kills me by…I’m not really sure how he kills me actually, but when we filmed it the kid was told to sit on my face, so I’m thinking suffocation maybe? Anyway, it was good to get work again as it’s been a couple of months since I’ve been in front of a camera. Not sure if they’ll show my tits yet, but I did have them out, so they’re there if they want them. Hopefully they won’t though…Marisa Tomei said that it was a bad idea for young actresses to get their tits out. Which is funny in a way, as she’s got them out two films running, the little slut.

Anyways, that’s all I’ve got time to write. I’ve gotta go and audition for Paul Schrader now…my agent said this could be a WOT [With Out Tits] role, but, it being Schrader, I’m less sure.

[Issue 3]

 

Last issue, I did Wolverine and Public Enemies, and Oli tells me the films weren’t far enough on the horizon for a spec piece. Well, firstly, hey, not my fault. No one told me how far behind you guys were. I mean, I wrote that Wolverine stuff in early April, and then Oli brings out the mag in late May. And the Public Enemies thing, dude, estoy innocente, seriously…it just came out here in July, and suddenly it’s this great film that everyone’s giving four stars to, when I know for a fact that wasn’t the case after those test screenings. Was it my fault Michael Mann edited without sleep for five months? Shit, dude, no way.

 

Also Oli was all critical of the way I was writing. He said it wasn’t distinctively American enough or something arty like that, and then he said you guys would read it and you wouldn’t believe, like, I was actually out here. Well, dude, resident for seven years now. If you don’t believe it then whatever…you can moan about it and I’ll just keep on writing.

 

 
 

Anyway, this intro is getting to be, like, huge, so I’m gonna just start writing what I’ve heard lately and you can wait and see if it all happens or not. But don’t expect much, I do have a life to attend to, and auditions, remember…          

SHERLOCK HOLMES

 

You all know this one, right? I think it’s not out till something like late fall, but they’ve started up on the promo stuff over here, and that means all the nasty bitching stuff is coming with it. And when I say bitchy stuff, you know I’m talking about Jude Law. That guy, he’s so almost cute, but then you see that peeling hairline and his angry little face and you just wanna back off and give the little man some space. I mean, he’s not exactly tall, you know that right? Don’t get me wrong, he’s not carrying a box onto sets, but he looks pretty silly whenever someone normal sized is around. But here, it’s not too bad on the height front as Bobby Downey ain’t exactly a giant either. No, the problem’s somewhere else, so they’re telling me. You see, there are two things you need to remember. Guy Ritchie needs a hit, and Guy Ritchie needs a fucking hit. Seriously, the dude’s on his last legs. In fact, the way he’s handling that set, he’s on robot legs. Downey’s not happy. He just wants to do his funnyman schtick and leave. But Ritchie won’t let him be funny. He keeps doing two or three takes then moving on, no ad-libs. My sources tell me it’s come close to slaps a few times, but Downey usually backs down and goes to his trailer to…well, hopefully not to shoot up, but let’s face it, it’s gonna happen, isn’t it? No one goes through twenty odd years of junk and really puts it behind them. But anyway, back to the film, and Law’s not happy either. He’s playing Watson, and he’s been talking up the role to the media, saying this Watson is a bit more of an action man, but the way I hear it, he’s not getting any real meat to square up against. Apparently, Ritchie doesn’t think he’s man enough to convince, so he’s been shifting the action onto Downey, who, like I said, just wants to be funny. All in all, I’d say the shit’s really going to hit with this one, and, honestly, it’s Ritchie who’s going to get covered in it.

INCEPTION

This is a strange one…the biggest director of last year, a cast of stars, a plot that no one’s talking about in any real detail. What’s going on? Nothing too good, apparently, or that’s what my pretty assistant friend is saying from the Toronto set. See, the studio have given Chris Nolan over 200 million to spunk all over some sci-fi film that isn’t based on a novel or a comic book. Are they nuts? I mean, it may have DiCaprio and Michael Caine and a load of other cool faces, but how much are they expecting to make back on this? This is really what I don’t get about the industry, even after seven years here, and I’m only writing this because no one’s going to read it, but you don’t spend money on directors, or stars, you spend them on concept, on franchises, on fucking remakes. Right? You take that 200 million and you save it for the next Batman. Because one thing even I can see, original sci-fi does not make back your money. Shit, even the ‘Grudge’ films make back more cash…

…speaking of…remember I told you about the shower scene I shot last issue, the one with the little Grudge kid. Well, the fuckers cut it. Every last trace of me, dude, is gone. Which is a bit of a bitch actually as the last two months haven’t been the best. First, the Grudge, then the ‘Alice in Wonderland’ thing. Did I mention that?

ALICE IN WONDERLAND

To cut it short, Anne Hathaway fucked me. Or Tim Burton and Hathaway fucked me. I suspect it was both, but I know the biggest push came from that prissy bitch. I guess it’s well known she’s a closet racist, especially towards Asian women like yours truly [Ed. – err…are you sure about that, Tomomi?], and when she saw me standing over her shoulder in one of the ‘off with her head’ scenes, she cut the scene and went into a huddle with Burton. I could hear some of it too, it’s not like she’s quiet about it. ‘A fucking Jap playing-card, Tim?’ That’s what she said, exact words, I swear. So, like, five minutes later and I was gone. Burton didn’t even have the balls to tell me himself, he just sent some assistant Asian guy over, and before I knew it, I was standing outside a closed set. 

And I’m not saying a word about what happened with Paul Schrader. Well, just one. Motel.

God help me.

[Issue 4]

 

Dude, I’m gonna just launch straight into it here as, honestly, I’ve got other shit I need to be taking care of. Not that this isn’t a big thing for me, but the other shit is bigger, trust me. Actually, I probably shouldn’t even be referencing it, even a hint of it, but I know this magazine doesn’t really circulate over here, or like, anywhere, so maybe it’s not so bad for me to, you know, say a little. I mean, if it’s only little.

 

Ok, here goes…

 

Brian DePalma. Mickey Rourke. They are on my ass.

 

Shit, dude, I know. It seems like Gilliam land, but it’s not, it’s real, the real fucking deal. First, DePalma. Calls me up…don’t know where he got my number, but he had it…and asks me out to the Sky bar for a drink. I go, we chat, he puts his hand on my thigh, I let him. End of the night, I stay strong, no tuck in, cab it home. Maybe not a wise move, I think, but what the hell, dignity, Tomomi, dignity. Next day, he calls again and guess what? Yup, still interested, dude. Still fucking interested.

 

Then there’s Mickey. Similar story, but with two edits. He doesn’t ask me out, he orders me, and second, my strength buckles and I stay with him the first night. Shit, I know, reputations and all that, but, you know what? It’s Mickey, and I know for a fact I’m not the first to cave on the first stroke. And anyway, the next day, same as DePalma, he calls me back and orders another meet up.

 

I mean, shit, this could be it, you know? All that slumming around with the writers and the other no marks won’t matter anymore, not if this comes off how I think it might. So, fingers crossed and wish a few wishes for me. Not that I think they’ll be needed, not this time. See, I’ve got a good feeling about this, a good, strong feeling.

 

Ok, shit…movies. You guys wanna know what’s going on over here, right? Well, it’s not exactly big league, but I do have a couple of things that might interest…actually, how long is all this gonna be? I know I kinda typed a lot just now, and, honestly, I’m not really too psyched about this editing thing so…I don’t know, would it be such a major thing if I just left it like I found it…? Fuck it, que sera, sera and all that, we’ll see what I can get away with…which means, I should probably type out a little more so I go onto the next page….that way it comes out nice and even and Oli won’t say I’m being messy again. I mean, dude, was I really that scatty last time? I don’t think so, but, you know…shit, where’s that next page….ok, cool, es aqui.

 

PRINCE OF PERSIA 

 

Or, more specifically, Jake Gyllenhall’s mug-ugly face. And the other one, the girl…Someone Arterton. You know, the one who was in the Bond film for about five minutes then got covered in oil…not that it was her ass in that scene. No way. But, back on point, the two of them have been snapped on set, put out there on the net, and the word back in is not great. See, there’s something Fuckheimer forgot when he was putting all this together. NO ONE actually thinks Gyllenhall is a looker. I mean, he can get to a certain level, you know, whack the make-up on, fix the lighting and put some ugly people next to him and, wham, you can deal with it. But this one, this is big, this is a summer flick. And you can’t put a mug in one of those. But what can they do? He’s already shot it, it’s done. You can’t edit him out of it, right? Well, rumour is they’re gonna make it a helluva lot darker. And I don’t mean tone. I mean, no fucking lights, dudes. A summer shadow play, let’s see how that works out…

SAM WORTHINGTON

Yeah, you know him, the schmuck from Oz who failed to take this year by the balls, despite being in two of its biggest films. Actually, to be fair to the big lump, Avatar isn’t out yet, the year could still be taken. But, really, a film where his alien avatar does most of the acting is not a good platform for future face recognition, is it? And why’s he doing all these big films anyway? That’s what Michael Biehn tried twenty odd years ago and look where he ended up. Planet Terror, and overwhelmed by concept once again. Sorry to any Biehn fans out there, but ‘tis true. To last any longer than the summer you’ve got to make sure you have a small indie lined up for the autumn. A little something to get plaudits and for people to keep you in mind. So, what does Worthington do? He signs for Clash of the Titans, perhaps the biggest film of next year. I mean, come on, where are the brains here? He must have an agent. He must know this is not a smart move. Or am I really the only one who can see this the way it is?

MACHETE Vs DeNIRO

Yup, Bobby signed up for a piece of shit and now he wants out. You know the flick, right? The shitty trailer from Planet Terror, with that Mexican dude from Con Air shooting up a load of shit in…well, in Mexico, I guess. So, for some reason Rodriguez thought it’d be a good idea to stretch it to feature length, and DeNiro followed him in. Why, Bobby? I know not many give him much respect anymore, and other actors have longed since stopped talking about his “greatness” in off-screen whispers and…you know that shit? A decade back, when he only did good films, and anyone who co-starred would talk about trembling the first time they met him and shit like that. I think Sharon Stone started it, on Casino, and it ran and ran until…until now, when…I probably shouldn’t type this, but it’s true…when he started making shit. Anyway, I’m running out of space…in short, the rumour on set is, Bobby is doing his scenes then going straight on the phone to his agent, and telling him to get him out. Will it work? Let’s see

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