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Posts Tagged ‘Predators’

Predators Vs Homoeroticism[via Danny Glover?]

In Marcella O Connor on July 25, 2010 at 2:30 pm

Err…warning, there might be spoilers for Predator 2[1991?] in this…

I tried to watch Predator 2. I told my husband that I had heard it was good and couldn’t wait to see it.

“Are you taking the piss?” he asked.

We sat down to watch it on surfthechannel and almost straight away I had to say it: “What the fuck is this?”

Jamaican voodoo gang? Really? As soon as I saw the blond guy in the suit, I knew he was going to die. I didn’t stay awake long enough to watch him die, though. I sort of lost interest.

So now…I’m not sure. I wanted to write a proper review, but I was too bored to actually go back and finish watching the film, so I just googled shit on it instead.

Have you googled Predators? If so, have you ever wondered, why the fuck is this alien wearing a cod piece? Or is that jock strap? Have you ever noticed how alien movies always feature aliens that look more or less like apes? Why don’t they ever feature a virus from space or some shit that looks like a giant jellyfish or cockroach? That would be way more scary than an ape in a cod piece.

I’m starting to think that maybe the ape-in-a-cod-piece-alien is some sort of representation of homoeroticism. Like the alien, with his super sexy, muscly bare legs and cod piece, is a bit scary because the kind of men who are attracted to these films are afraid of their own homosexual desires. That could also be why there were so many naked male bodies hanging from the ceiling in this film. Look closely at a photo of the alien in the newest film in the series. He’s wearing fishnet stockings.

Lads, what do you think? Next time you watch this film, imagine that Danny Glover is hunting down and being hunted down by his own homoerotic attraction to that really annoying actor playing the rookie. This is pretty much the only reading of the film that makes sense.

Predators Vs the Cowardly [100% SPOILERS]

In Gupter Puncher/Oli Johns on July 20, 2010 at 12:51 pm

 

[NOTE: This is very, very long, covering the whole film pretty much. Maybe take a break after the Laurence Fishburne part?] 

I don’t really know how I know this part, but…

 

Adrien Brody wakes up falling through sky. There’s no time to think of where he is or how he got there, because pretty soon he’s gonna hit the ground. Lucky for him, the button on his belt which looks a little like the Thundercats’ badge, lights up and, bam, he’s got a chute.

 

But, bam, the chute is a piece of shit, and he hits the jungle floor hard. No broken bones though, as he gets up and looks around and pretty soon he meets Danny Trejo.

 

Then the Russian guy.

 

Then five more, most with some sort of gun.

 

And then me.

 

***************************************

 

I wake up falling, and close my eyes again. It’s a dream. But it’s cold on my face, and it feels like I’m actually, honestly, falling through the air, so I open my eyes again and see the jungle coming towards me, and somehow I can think a little more clearly than Brody, and all I can think of are repeated scenes of my body hitting the ground and-…

I try to close my eyes again, but I can’t stop looking at the top of all those canopies, and for a moment I think, fuck, a canopy…a load of canopies…maybe it’ll be like landing on a cushion? But then I picture the branches and the ground, and even if it is jungle ground, with soil and no concrete, it’s still gonna work the same way as regular ground…

Then my button lights up and the chute opens, and I drift into one of the canopies and hit the ground on my back, but, hey, same as Brody and the rest of them, nothing broken. Read the rest of this entry »

Predators Vs the anxious [Warning: SPOILERS!]

In Flannery Plath on July 18, 2010 at 2:02 pm

 

 

[Note: This is the opening salvo of a whole bunch of Predators stuff…]

 

I sit down in the cinema with Billy on one side, a woman on the other and right away I know something is wrong. And when the film starts and I see Adrian Brody drop into the jungle from the sky, I already want to leave. Just like the advertisement before the film said, we’re trapped in the cinema.

 

Adrien Brody gets up and meets some other people. They are surrounded by trees and there’s nowhere to go.

 

The jungle in the film reminds me of Apocalypse Now. I remember having this exact feeling when I watched it for the first time on a film course back in university. Martin Sheen killing Brando in that dark, depressing jungle. But it was only one scene, and I never felt the urge to leave.

 

So why does this feeling hit me now? Is it that I might need to cough? Or am I just tired? I don’t know.

 

I try to watch the film again. But it’s still in the jungle and they don’t seem to be doing anything. Read the rest of this entry »

Coming Soon[ish]: Predators!

In Uncategorized on July 15, 2010 at 4:35 pm

Predators is out.

And it’s not shit. In fact, it’s pretty decent.

So Gupter Puncher’s gonna write some stuff about it. And hopefully it won’t just be me either.

We’ll see.

Oli